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    I was feeling great for a while. I even started dating again. Then, I broke up with this girl and crashed completely.

    Before this crash, my Beck’s Depression score was about 9… I just took it today and it’s at 39 (started treatment at 53).

    It looks like I’ve almost completely regressed back into the depression I started with. I am now struggling with suicidal thoughts again. I really don’t know what to do. I am going in for treatment tomorrow and I’ll mention all of this, but I am very scared.

    I am so, so afraid right now. TMS is really my last hope – nothing else has worked. I really hate my fucking life, and I hate being myself. I don’t really want to continue. The only reason I continue living is because I could never devastate my family with a suicide.

    I am hoping that with my remaining sessions, and maybe some boosters, I can probably get back to functioning again.

    Everything sucks right now. Everything is boring, nothing interests me. Food tastes terrible. Music is boring. I hate my fucking life so much and I am getting tired of living it.

    I really don’t know what to do. I am posting this mostly out of fear and uncertainty. I have never been so afraid. If TMS doesn’t work for me, I might kill myself.



    Hi nicjsb:

    We are very sorry to read this, and want to make sure you are okay. Please let us know how you are feeling today.

    You are doing the right thing to discuss this with your doctor as soon as possible. If you are in an emergency situation, do not delay in calling your doctor, 911, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

    – The TMS+You Team


    Cera Zette

    nicjsb – I really hope your follow-up sessions were a success. If not, have you considered / tried ketamine infusions? Just a suggestion, but thought I’d put it out there, but really hope the TMS has brought you back to a better place.



    Hello and thanks for your replies.

    I only have a couple of sessions remaining and I’m doing one a week. I have become kind of concerned. My PHQ9 and Beck’s Depression scores are starting to go back up again.

    I don’t know what the cause is exactly. I have stopped smoking marijuana and stopped using Adderall. This might affect how I feel but most mental health professionals encourage me to avoid using these. Although the Adderall is prescribed as off-label treatment for depression, it seems to make me too frantic/anxious/irritable

    I am a teacher and returning to work in the Fall soon and I’m quite worried.

    I know very little about ketamine, but the idea doesn’t sound very appealing. I know that ketamine is sometimes abused as a party drug and I’d like to avoid something like that at all costs. The only other drug I’ve considered is ibogaine, which is not legal in my country.

    TMS was really my last hope. I’m not sure what to do.

    The way I would describe my experience is that absolutely nothing interests me, I get no pleasure from doing anything, and I see little purpose in continuing to go on.


    Cera Zette

    I’m not sure where you are based. I’m in the UK and there is only one place where you can have ketamine infusions (at an NHS hospital in Oxford, but you have to pay for it privately). It’s definitely not used unless you have pretty much tried everything else, but it was suggested as a possibility to me by my TMS doctor when the treatment didn’t work for me, actually TMS made things worse. Before TMS I was still able to do some basic things – take my dog for a walk around the park, go to a yoga class, go out for a meal with my husband – all of which I have not been able to do due to the extreme fatigue I’ve experienced from my TMS treatment. It’s been about 2 1/2 months since my last session and I’m beginning to be able to do a bit more the past couple of weeks. Not sure if I’ve just recovered a bit or it’s the new medication I’m taking, either way I’m grateful for any function I’ve regained. I’ve found a good psychopharmacologist so I’m hoping with his help I’ll find a combo that works for me as I’ve been in a severe depression that has left me unable to work or function normally for almost a year now. Hope things improve for you, but don’t give up. There are lots of options. My TMS doc and psychopharmacologist both said ECT is still solid option if medication and TMS fail.

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