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  • #5846

    nicjsb
    Participant

    I was feeling great for a while. I even started dating again. Then, I broke up with this girl and crashed completely.

    Before this crash, my Beck’s Depression score was about 9… I just took it today and it’s at 39 (started treatment at 53).

    It looks like I’ve almost completely regressed back into the depression I started with. I am now struggling with suicidal thoughts again. I really don’t know what to do. I am going in for treatment tomorrow and I’ll mention all of this, but I am very scared.

    I am so, so afraid right now. TMS is really my last hope – nothing else has worked. I really hate my fucking life, and I hate being myself. I don’t really want to continue. The only reason I continue living is because I could never devastate my family with a suicide.

    I am hoping that with my remaining sessions, and maybe some boosters, I can probably get back to functioning again.

    Everything sucks right now. Everything is boring, nothing interests me. Food tastes terrible. Music is boring. I hate my fucking life so much and I am getting tired of living it.

    I really don’t know what to do. I am posting this mostly out of fear and uncertainty. I have never been so afraid. If TMS doesn’t work for me, I might kill myself.

    #5848

    TMS+You
    Keymaster

    Hi nicjsb:

    We are very sorry to read this, and want to make sure you are okay. Please let us know how you are feeling today.

    You are doing the right thing to discuss this with your doctor as soon as possible. If you are in an emergency situation, do not delay in calling your doctor, 911, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

    – The TMS+You Team

    #5854

    Cera Zette
    Participant

    nicjsb – I really hope your follow-up sessions were a success. If not, have you considered / tried ketamine infusions? Just a suggestion, but thought I’d put it out there, but really hope the TMS has brought you back to a better place.

    #5856

    nicjsb
    Participant

    Hello and thanks for your replies.

    I only have a couple of sessions remaining and I’m doing one a week. I have become kind of concerned. My PHQ9 and Beck’s Depression scores are starting to go back up again.

    I don’t know what the cause is exactly. I have stopped smoking marijuana and stopped using Adderall. This might affect how I feel but most mental health professionals encourage me to avoid using these. Although the Adderall is prescribed as off-label treatment for depression, it seems to make me too frantic/anxious/irritable

    I am a teacher and returning to work in the Fall soon and I’m quite worried.

    I know very little about ketamine, but the idea doesn’t sound very appealing. I know that ketamine is sometimes abused as a party drug and I’d like to avoid something like that at all costs. The only other drug I’ve considered is ibogaine, which is not legal in my country.

    TMS was really my last hope. I’m not sure what to do.

    The way I would describe my experience is that absolutely nothing interests me, I get no pleasure from doing anything, and I see little purpose in continuing to go on.

    #5859

    Cera Zette
    Participant

    I’m not sure where you are based. I’m in the UK and there is only one place where you can have ketamine infusions (at an NHS hospital in Oxford, but you have to pay for it privately). It’s definitely not used unless you have pretty much tried everything else, but it was suggested as a possibility to me by my TMS doctor when the treatment didn’t work for me, actually TMS made things worse. Before TMS I was still able to do some basic things – take my dog for a walk around the park, go to a yoga class, go out for a meal with my husband – all of which I have not been able to do due to the extreme fatigue I’ve experienced from my TMS treatment. It’s been about 2 1/2 months since my last session and I’m beginning to be able to do a bit more the past couple of weeks. Not sure if I’ve just recovered a bit or it’s the new medication I’m taking, either way I’m grateful for any function I’ve regained. I’ve found a good psychopharmacologist so I’m hoping with his help I’ll find a combo that works for me as I’ve been in a severe depression that has left me unable to work or function normally for almost a year now. Hope things improve for you, but don’t give up. There are lots of options. My TMS doc and psychopharmacologist both said ECT is still solid option if medication and TMS fail.

    #5871

    Dave_Wigfield
    Participant

    Hi nicjsb:
    By its very definition, TMS Therapy is not a last measure for treatment. True, many find relief with TMS, but not all. If your symptoms are more persistent there are other treatment options. It is extremely important that you keep in very open and regular communication with your doctor – both about your concerns and their opinion on how best to move forward.

    If in the end it turns out TMS did not produce the results you were hoping for, that can be very deflating and scary and you are well justified if you feel that way at the moment. But please remember that there are other treatment options available.

    We are rooting for you. please let us know how it turns out for you.

    #5895

    DesertDao
    Participant

    I have had 27 treatments and not only do I not feel any better but I feel worse. Started feeling worse about 12 treatments in. Experiencing a much heightened desire to isolate, not talkative at all and feel the need to avoid all conversation, my emotions feel completely flatlined, nothing brings me any joy at all…nothing, not even the things that used to. My friends and co-workers are all very concerned and have been commenting that I seem to be sliding downhill. I started TMS after the buproprion I had taken for 7 years completely stopped working. That was the 8th antidepressant I have been on and the only one that gave me any relief from the severe depression and daily suicidal thoughts I’ve experienced since I was 12. I started TMS five months after I stopped taking the buproprion. I’m 55 now and scared and so sad that the TMS therapy is not just not working but making me feel worse. I am a social worker and work with the chronically homeless and do HIV testing and education. “Being up” for work and my clients is exhausting me and i feel at the end of my rope and out of choices and out of hope.

    #5924

    colleencasey
    Participant

    DesertDao:
    Being a patient, I can offer info that I have come across. I am not in the medical field but just interested in passing info along that may be helpful. There are studies being done on administering treatments on a different schedule to patients who have intense suicidal ideation with depression. Also treatments are being administered on a different schedule for those who have moved away from their doctors and need follow up treatments, and want to return to their doctor for the treatments. They cannot however take several days off for these consecutive boosters.
    Now multiple treatments are being given in one day. For both, three treatments a day are administered. There have been successful outcomes for both. Some on new patients some on returning patients. It is worth talking to your doctor about. I am not sure how insurance works with multiple treatments per day and with any treatment, it works for some and not others.
    What I do know as a patient, who previously suffered from depression for 60 years, is that we just want to get better so we can live the life we know deep inside that we are meant to live. TMS may or may not be the answer for all patients; it is new so there are many ways it is being administered to uncover all its potential as well as revealing more and more info about depression. Do not give up. Scientists are working diligently to uncover the mysteries behind depression. There are new avenues to try every day. It may take a progressively thinking doctor to explore this, but patients are responding to these new treatment avenues.
    Also, I experienced the “dip” (which many but not all patients experience) and it was horrific but it was temporary. I did not experience success with TMS until the six week course of treatments was over.
    Hope this is helpful.
    Colleen

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