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I wanted so much for TMS to work for me! I was paying a large portion of it myself. But dealing with depression since age 10 or so – I needed an end! I thought I felt better at first. I hit bad anxiety and depression around #22-28. Sleeping at times 18 hours a day, not eating, etc. Finally it stopped and I just felt okay. I wanted to wake up with “a song in my heart” looking forward to every day, but I don’t. What I feel is less anxious, less suicidal and more able to “let things go”. I have #33 tomorrow and I feel okay – not great but okay. I know I will continue on medication, and hope it continues to improve. I finally understand when people would say “just let it go”. I couldn’t but now I can. Do I enjoy life more? No, but I don’t dread the day, fear seeing people, dread going out among people. For me i’d Say it was a success – it’s not a cure, but it’s a start! I hope that this gives someone hope. And yes, I am on Wellbutrin and have horrible ringing in my ears! At times making it hard to sleep! And I did have left/right treatment. I think they both help.
Hi, I am in the middle of rTMS now. I had a very strange reaction. My depression, which I have had for 45 years, lifted after the first treatment. After the second day, all traces of my active depression were gone. The doctor in charge tells me that is not possible, but it has remained the same since.
Like you, I expected that when my depression went away, the sun would come out, and I would just be naturally happy. Instead, I find that I am in a neutral state. My psychiatrist said that it is common for depressed people to thing that the opposite of depression is happiness, but it is not. The opposite of depression is the capacity for happiness. He said that when I was depressed, I was responding inappropriately to my environment because even when things were good, I was down. He said that there will be times when an appropriate reaction is sadness or anger, but that is normal. He said that I still have work to do to retrain myself to find and hold onto happiness. That made a lot of sense. In the 4 weeks since I started, I have had many moments when I was happy, but that was for a reason. The big difference is that I no longer have a constant negative narration in my head, and I do not wish I were dead.
So I think that you should consider yourself cured. Expect to have ups and downs like everyone else, but know that the downs will not last like they did before. They will be transient.
By the way, I could not tolerate Wellbutrin. I believe that it inhibits the reuptake of both serotonin and norephinephrine. I switched to Prozac, and it was way better. People respond very differently to different SSRI medications, so if you are having any problems with it, I would try another.
Hope your recovery continues. Neutral is good. It opens the door to happiness, but you have to work for it.
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