February 26, 2018 at 4:27 pm #31379
Hi there. I am near the end of my TMS treatment sessions; I have 7 more to go including today’s session (this afternoon). I started titrating a med (buspirone) but am going to go back to my most recent, consistent dose. I am not sure if that has affected anything; I started titration Feb 13th (Tuesday) and over the weekend everything spiked, self-harm, suicidal ideation, depression, crying everyday, etc.
I am scared. I just made a YouTube video about TMS (please check it out) My TMS Journey. But it’s ironic, everything seems as if it’s going backwards and in reverse. I have considered going back into treatment for a short-term program focused on self-harm and suicidal ideation and depression (if possible). I just don’t know what stressors are the most pressing ones; too many factors at once and if I could just get away to an environment where I can safely adjust meds and address depression, SH, and SI. But I’m not sure if I am just wanting to use inpatient as an escape?
Is it normal to maybe second guess everything as treatment is ending? I don’t fear the end of it. At least I don’t think so. I am so ready for it to be over. I know it won’t be happy-go-lucky, I’m not expecting that at all. I just want to be done with treatments. Please help. I have leaned on this forum since before my first TMS session and it has been a lifesaver.February 26, 2018 at 4:53 pm #31380
I know I am new here but you have responded to my thread and provided support so I intend to do the same. I have just finished treatment 16 as of today and we are now taking a bilateral approach so I am finally getting the left side treatment which, by the way, hurts a lot more than the low frequency right-side treatment but it’s still bearable.
Anyway, from what my TMS doctor and technicians have explained to me, ups and downs can be expected even toward the end of treatment. I am hoping that this is what you are experiencing as your brain adjusts and new circuits are revitalized. The medication could also be playing a role so keep that in mind. Have you asked your doctor about this change in mood or at least made him/her aware?
I know what it’s like to feel scared and hopeless as I feel it everyday. It is a horrible feeling to believe that one is alone in their head even though you have support externally. It’s horrible and I truly feel for you. I know what it’s like to be crying so bad and to feel so hopeless that inpatient treatment seems like a good idea. Has the inpatient treatment helped you in the past? You indicated you have done it before. I have never done inpatient but this is the first time in my life where I have been so bad as to consider it just because I would do anything to get help as quickly as possible because it’s so bad. I don’t know if calling it an escape would be totally accurate but I understand what you mean. You just want to do anything to stop the pain and I understand that feeling.
Has the TMS been helping? Are you able to finish the last 7 treatments?February 26, 2018 at 10:44 pm #31383
I agree with stingray, you need to finish off the last seven treatments. It’s pretty common for people in treatment to experience the TMS dip(s). In the course of six weeks, you’re stimulating parts of your brain that are underactive and, in some cases, slow down overactive regions. When you work out at the gym to build up your muscles, you will feel sore and even weaker after a workout—particularly in the beginning. TMS is no different. You may have to take one step back to take three steps forward during the treatment. Once you wake up those sleeping neurons and change their polarity, they are going to form no routes and connections. It takes time for this process to complete itself and you’re not going to feel the full benefit until the process is completed. The amount of time it takes for a brain to repair itself varies from person to person. You just need to stick with the program and don’t give up.
As for the resurgence of feelings of depression and self-harm, make sure your doctors know the situation. You may want to talk to them about ketamine, which can help get you over this hump and put the bad thoughts and feelings in check while you are recovering from the TMS. The ketamine is a terrific short term solution for depression, but it’s most effective in addressing issues of self-harm and suicidal ideation.
You’re not alone in this. There are lots of people out there who feel exactly the way you do right now. That said, understand that depression and depressive thoughts are a form of delusion. Those negative thoughts and feelings that keep looping over and over in your mind are not accurate reflections of yourself and the world around you. If you have a thought frequently enough it becomes a belief and if you hold onto a belief long enough, you consider it a fact. So, you can have some irrational guilt about being a lousy son, daughter, wife, husband, parent, employee etc. You fixate on that guilt as part of a thought feedback loop in your mind, which you keep going over and and over (and adding to the negative thoughts every turn through the loop). Over time, those thoughts and feeling become a native belief that you’re a bad person etc. and with more time, that belief becomes and irrefutable fact (to you at least). In truth that fact/belief/thought is a form of delusion which is part of this disease–no different than a psychic cancer cell. Any treatment you’re getting, CBT, talk therapy, pharmacological treatments, TMS, Ketamine, ECT etc. are intended to give you the strength and ability to terminate this negative thought process and improver your ability function, thereby improving your mood. It doesn’t matter how you get there, but your goal is to get to the point where you can recognize that these thought loops and processes are not real and you have the power and strength to tell those little nasty, irrational thoughts to go fvck themselves (and really mean it).
You probably already understand this intellectually, but actually doing it seems impossible right now. Nevertheless, you can get to that place where you have the strength to push those thoughts away but it doesn’t happen overnight (obviously). The TMS can work and help you get there but it may take a little longer of it to kick in. If you need something right now to help you get over the hump until the TMS kicks in, especially if you’re having thoughts of self-harm, you need to discuss this with your doctor and you might want to discuss ketamine infusions or injections. Ketamine is a great short term treatment for most people and it’s particularly effective in quelling thoughts of suicide and self-harm. Even in cases where ketamine doesn’t do anything to relieve the symptoms of depression in a suicidal patient, 90% respond that ketamine stops suicidal ideation and thoughts of self-harm. My wife is currently getting rTMS treatments (treatment 9 was today) and twice a week during her TMS treatment, she is getting a ketamine infusion. Even though the ketamine doesn’t get her out of her depression by itself, it does give significant relief and she looks forward to receiving the ketamine treatments (particularly when she wasn’t getting them with the TMS. She liked just getting the treatment and relaxing for a couple of hours.).February 27, 2018 at 12:42 am #31386
Wow thank you so much Stingray_2014 I appreciate the support and it doesn’t matter if you are “new” or “less experienced” on this forum. I have decided to go back on my same buspirone dose that I was taking before titration. I can’t believe I forgot that you aren’t supposed to make any med adjustments while undergoing TMS treatments. I had to have my threshold thing increased bc of the med change I made without further consideration and thoughtfulness. Told pdoc about it but he most likely was not listening well enough to remember.
Eric99 , thanks for your support and understanding. It’s good to be reminded that TMS (or any treatment or help) is not a straight line all moving forward. And it gets scarier when you feel worse and then it does become so easy to slip into the negative thinking and forget that there have been incremental and small changes and shifts. Thank you for bringing that mindfulness back into my mind and everyone and anyone else who comes along this forum.
I’m counting down the days. I am gonna get a cake when I’m done and I want to share it with the treatment place. Do you know if it’s okay for places to receive a “gift” of food? Like I know there are some restrictions on gift giving to doctors and suche.
Thanks again for all the support and being willing to share ourselves with eachother.February 28, 2018 at 9:10 pm #31392
Hey there LAJP,
Just checking in to see how you’re doing. After reading your post from yesterday, it sounds like you were in a much better mood. Maybe you can string two of those days in a row???
–EFebruary 28, 2018 at 9:23 pm #31393
Thanks for checking in with me Eric99.
It’s been crazy lately but mostly circumstances and like maybe I’d be handling things even worse than now without TMS. I really don’t know. I hope I am someone who maybe just gets all the benefits AFTER all treatments.March 2, 2018 at 9:29 pm #31407
Check out my response to today on stingray’s thread. I think it applies to you too. 🙂
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