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The first round worked, but didn’t last. That’s why I needed a 2nd round, I’ve stayed in remission since.
@funmatt26, It’s been a good year for me since my 2nd treatment. I stayed in remission since it ended. I’ve just started back into a running program and am enjoying life with my kids. It helped both my anxiety & depression, I highly recommend it from my experience. Wish you the best of luck! I failed all med trials (with a few ER visits from horrendous side effects) the 6 months prior to TMS. Any questions I’m happy to answer.
@purple, All I can say is it saved my life. My experience was very positive, but it took 66 total treatments to maintain and be able to return to work and “normal” life. Each person’s experience seems fo be very different with this treatment. I did 46 initially to get out of crying all day everyday and feeling like I had dementia. Then fell back in about 2.5 months post treatment, paid for 5 weekly boosters 1 time per week until insurance pd for an additional 15. Its lasted 4 months so far and hopefully for awhile:)
It’s an up & down treatment with emotions and for me physical symptoms. I highly suggest it based on my experience, but the last person I encouraged to keep going seems to be in the worse category, so it’s really a personal decision. For me I was out of options (I had already had a horrible experience with Ketamine) and being completely non-functional with 3 young kids and suicidal daily I didn’t have much to lose.
It seems to me that there are more positive outcomes than negative, but there are outliers that seem to be harmed by the treatment. I did bi-lateral every time. Anxiety/OCD is what led me to my first MDD episode. Good luck in your choice! I had a really good doctor who’s been doing off-label treatments for years with Neurostar, including it’s typical depression usage. I don’t know if that’s part of the difference in results? I can read books again and last year at this time I had to save my grocery lists because I couldn’t even do a basic task or use my brain in any capacity.
@jcl311,
Yes, they did. They made the treatment last longer this time and I didn’t need the full 36. Even though my insurance approved an additional 36, I only needed an additional 15 (and my doctor said I could use the rest for boosters if I should need them again)At this point I’ve had a total of 66 left & right sided treatments. I’m back to working part-time and taking great care of my 3 boys. I still struggle with a lot of fatigue, but the rest of the depression symptoms are gone. Good luck and definitely have your insurance either add additional treatments now during the current course or wait the time frame between and do another round.
I did both had 10 additional added in initial 36 for total of 46 since I had improvement, but not enough. And then waited the 90 days my insurance required and went for additional round.@jcl311, Yes, it is a benzo, long-acting. I was put on that before ever considering TMS as I was pacing around, had an all over muscular fascillations start last year, and would wake up so panicked at 3:30am for months I was losing my grip on reality. I’ve been taking it for 9 months now. Looking back I so wish I would have just done TMS up front to take care of both before being placed on this mind-numbing medication. Its my only medication besides the TMS.
Benzodiazepines bring up your motor threshold since it slows the nervous system so much..which means much stronger pulses to penetrate the brain. It’s harder to get a response on Benzodiazepines, maybe that’s what she meant. It worked for me & so hopeful I can eventually cessate the nightly benzo. Keep in touch and let us know how you end up. I’m hoping it works for you too ❤️
@jcl311,
I always did bi-lateral (as my psychiatrist states only left sided is very stimulating). I can only speak from my experience, but it allowed me to reduce my nightly Valium to half from 15mg to 7.5mg and saved my life.I’m actually doing a second round to try to get off Valium because I “hate” how it makes me feel. I’m now down to 5mg after 10 more rounds 🤞.
I would ask them to do right sided to reduce the activation your feeling. Good luck, it was a miracle for me. It seems some others get intense anxiety…my anxiety/ocd is how I got depressed. I was used to a lifetime of anxiety and only depressed starting in 2018.
I don’t know if this would help any: https://www.google.com/amp/s/charliefoundation.org/keto-for-tbi/
There are some modalities for tbi out there, hyperbaric oxygen chambers I’ve heard can help too.
My special needs son has had good luck with keto. I really hope you have some healing and possibly contact an attorney.
Hi@dwstuhr,
OMG! That’s horrible! Again I’m sorry for your experience. I understand a little because of my experience with a Ketamine infusion that left me much worse in regards to anxiety.
Have you contacted whoever treated you to let them know what it did to you? I have read about all the folks who ramped up anxiety or had memory loss and I almost decided against it myself, but I had exhausted every option (medication class, ketamine, etc) available.I hope you find some relief or your brain goes back to baseline. Even the benzo doesn’t give you sleep? (i know it’s not restorative sleep, I use Valium for sleep) I wonder why it does that to certain people and not others? Like I said my anxiety is how I got into major depression (along with a debilitating movement disorder) and both improved. When all other modalities made me worse.
Could you see a functional neurologist for help to find see what it did to your nervous system & if they can get it to calm down. I don’t think it’s fair to live like that when you wanted help with your brain.
@dwsthur, I wrote to you on your other post! I’m so sorry for your TMS experience. My life was saved by TMS, so I very much had the opposite experience. I had severe anxiety previously to TMS and was actually able to cut nightly Valium in half. I also had zero thoughts prior to TMS as my depression was so bad I thought I had dementia and my memory improved quite a bit (as much as one can on a daily benzo)
Have you considered other options to help yourself like Ketamine, Psylocibin trials are helping depression/anxiety, or maybe even keto (plant based & high Omega-3’s) as it’s very brain healing. TMS helps a lot of people and I wish they were able to do it with a PET scan then it would be more individualized to inhibit overactive regions & activate under active areas.Again I’m sorry you got worse, do you think if you continued on it might have resolved and were they doing bi-lateral? Also Neurostar? I’ve heard bad things about Brainsway in regards to agitation/anxiety. Good luck on healing
@dwstuhr,
I think it depends on the individual. I had a lifetime of anxiety/OCD that I managed with diet & intense exercise with counseling along the way. At 39 my anxiety went to a whole other level landing me into depression so badly I thought I had dementia. I was placed on Valium first, but was still anxious even with that often. TMS rid my depression & cut my Valium dose in half to 7.5mg/day. It certainly allowed me to get my life back to raise my children. It quite frankly saved my life!I’m sorry you had a bad experience with it, but given my anxiety drastically reduced, along with depression I think it’s worth a shot. I tried Ketamine 1st and that made me so agitated/anxious I was almost violent, so everyone reacts differently to treatments. I would also say it’s not permanent changes as folks need boosters as their brains return to their previous baseline over time (from neural inflammation) Good luck on finding relief! It’s awful to suffer anxiety or any mental health challenge.
I do see a connection with people who get insomnia from it having a poor experience with it.
I experienced the same thing, it took 46 sessions to pull me out. I was awesome for 8 weeks then slammed back into it (at first thought it might be hormonal, but it was the same symptoms as before, crying out of the blue, brain not working) My psychiatrist had me do 1X week maintenance for 5 weeks and it worked, along with organizational skills returning this time. I’m approved for an additional full course as I was told that should allow longer time in between treatments for me. I start soon, I’m little hesitant as I’ve been good since my maintenance ended and the first full course was brutal as far as emotions for me.
I’ll keep you posted as to the outcome of another full course, hoping it does allow my brain to function longer as it used to.
@leavesandpetals,
My 90 day waiting period is up August 30th where they will request additional round of 36. My psychiatrist said doing another round should allow a longer recovery period. I hear ya on the anxiety, I’ve had OCD/anxiety forever but was very functional. Last year April 2018 my anxiety went to a whole new level, along with various muscle fascillations all over my body that would even wake me up. I ended up on Valium in November…TMS cut my dose in half, but I’d rather not take it at all as it makes me so fatigued and impairs my memory. Gotta be functional though, good luck on the Rexulti. I hear when it works it’s incredible, but can also make some types of anxiety more intense so keep an eye on how your feeling.Maybe you’ll still receive benefits post-treatment! I know these last 5 boosters I’ve had I’ve made me be able to organize again….something I still couldn’t do after the 46. Once the depression cleared I was able to work with my other doctors and get further along, like I’m deficient in Vitamin D, low in b12, and low iodine-those have helped additionally. Also my OB found I had low testosterone and got a pellet in my hip and that made another huge difference. I didn’t realize testosterone impacts women’s ability to make Serotonin & dopamine. My point being maybe look into other things that may also help your brain/mood health. I wish you continued success in managing this difficult illness ❤️
@fatigueanddepressed, How’d you end up? I’m about to do another round to make it last longer.
Hope you’re still well!
@deb, How’d it end up for you? I got out of depression after 46 treatments. Lasted 8 weeks, then needed weekly boosters. My doctor wants me to do another 36 covered by insurance & said it should last longer this time. Hope it worked well for you.
@entenmk,
You’re more than welcome! Depression is awful & it’s always good to have support from people who know how bad it can be. I’m bummed it didn’t work for you, but try something else for sure. You don’t have to suffer something will work to mend those neurons. Keep in touch & let me know when you do find something to lift your spirits;)Best of luck,
Junebeatle@leavesandpetals, I didn’t have mine work until 36 through 46. My psychiatrist saw some improvement so was able to get 10 additional treatments added, which finally worked. I will add that after 8 weeks I had to go back in for additional boosters. Maybe you just need more on the first round.
I’m planning on doing a second round to see if I can go further between treatments. Good luck! Keep in mind there are other treatments on the horizon, like Psylocibin or possibly look into Ketamine if this isn’t your ticket out of hell.
@akrsinn, You may need more treatments overall. I was all over the map, first 10 days responded, then rollercoaster from then on. Even at 36 I was still crying daily, but my insurance extended for 10 more taper sessions which made all the difference. 46 and my depression cleared up, repeated suicidal thoughts gone. I have had to do boosters to maintain though, everyone is different.
@entenmk,
Hi, Any progress yet? My kids went back to school today and I’m my way out for my booster. Thought I’d see if it turned around for you.Hope your feeling lighter & brighter:)
@entenmk, I sure hope you do, your in the home stretch where it should lift either during these or post-treatment (my husband didn’t think it worked until afterwards for him) The supporters on this forum are what kept me going. I remember one day closer to 36 I had my sons flag football practice & literally cried all day up until his practice. I went on this forum and talked to a girl who was doing WAY better in her treatment than I was. I talked to her about my lack of progress & how bitter I was that my attempted suicide was unsuccessful because I was left with a broken brain & nothing but crying all day everyday. She told me she was where I was once & that she knew I would get better. She said even if they’re small steps. I dragged myself to get dressed & went to his game, did my best to pay attention.
I’m telling you this because I was where you are. I think the fatigue of the process, the constant headaches, & all the neurological changes taking place just wear you down. This weekend I celebrated my 12 year olds birthday, planned it all, talked to parents, etc. Just this past January I was so sick I couldn’t do anything for my 7 year olds birthday except take him out to eat (crying through most of it) & I remember when he was like “I’m not having a party with friends”
Today I’m reading a 700 page book “The Gold Finch” & playing Sudoku again. In December when I was first put on Valium I thought I’d never comprehend anything again..I remember buying a Sudoku book and just crying because I couldn’t even understand it or retain #’s in my memory enough to figure out the next row. Am I back to where I was? No, but I took a really big fall. Can I experience joy, am happy with the progress I made? Yes.
One last thing I work with an integrative doctor and after TMS I found out my Vitamin D was low, B12, & carnitine levels (all these are involved in depression & brain health) Those are helping with my fatigue. I also am low in testosterone and didn’t realize that plays a role in women’s depression too because it helps serotonin/dopamine receptors in the brain, so I got a SottoPelle hormone pellet in my hip and that’s helped quite a bit more. If the TMS can boost you enough maybe you can work with a doctor to look at other avenues that may help your mental health (hormones, gut health, deficiencies, etc) Remember if this isn’t it, something out there is. Keep pressing on my friend 🍀
@entenmk, I agree a “roller coaster” is the best way to describe it! It’s certainly not an easy process and your brave for trying it. I don’t really think how difficult the journey is made apparent by Neurostar advertisements or even the facilities. You just see the glowing people at the end & think oh that’s going to be me. Then you start in and think 1 day I’m better, another day I’m now not sleeping, another day I’m more depressed. The dip is especially difficult and yes I had more than 1 as well.
In the end it was worth it all! Do you play any brain games during treatment or after? That really helped me a lot because I was so bad I thought I had dementia, when I could do long division again post-treatment I knew something was changing. Elevate is a good one, Brain HQ, or math booster. My doc told me that improved outcomes during treatment & 2 hours afterwards.
@entenmk, How many total treatments are you to receive? I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time, do you see a counselor during this? I can say it really helped me along the process because honestly I kept thinking it was making me worse and wanted to quit so many times. One day coming out they did so many right sided in a row it’s like my brain was off, I almost hit a car pulling out that I totally didn’t see, tripped over a huge construction sign & almost fell to the ground (which was completely obvious), & then driving to my counselors office post-treatment hit the curb so hard turning right-I was convinced it was damaging me because I could drive fine before TMS.
Only you know your body and can say continue the process. If you’ve made any progress during it at any point it is most likely going to work, but it takes time. I personally was still crying & suicidal at 36, it wasn’t til they added an additional 10 that I started laughing again & the tears dried up. I will let you know I had to return for maintenance treatments once a week. I don’t know if it’s because my movement disorder that’s so uncomfortable all over my body fuels the depression, but it worked again.
My psychiatrist wants me to do another full round because he says then the intervals between treatments gets longer. For me I didn’t have another option, so I kept going. Medications made my movements flare so badly I had to go to the ER, Ketamine made me so agitated I was more suicidal post-treatment, and ECT doesn’t work for people with extreme anxiety. There are other treatments on the horizon, like Psylocibin and Deep Brain Stimulation, so always keep hope.
I’m rooting for you! You could be a post-responder too. Or you may need additional treatments to get you back to yourself like I did! I also started a Day One app journal with a selfie to see my affect with the entry. It helps to reflect on the good days because bad days unfortunately still crop up once your brain has gotten sick. Hope this is helpful.
@entenmk How your treatment going? Thought about checking in to see how your doing.
@entenmk, I can’t get below 7.5mg without losing it. My TMS psychiatrist said we can try another round to try to get off since I can’t cessate on my own. It’s hard because my anxiety went to like a whole other level last year with pacing around (like Akathasia, but not medication induced. I also have a movement disorder that I’ve had for 10 years under good control and it became around the clock last year. Part of me wants to accept that I have to be on Valium & the other half is like the memory loss/brain fog is unreal. I’m so fatigued every day from it. How long did you take a Benzodiazepine? I’ve read that don’t take them long-term if you can help it…due to tolerance & other issues.
Hopefully next round gets me off! I did go from 15mg to 7.5mg…I just don’t know about the movements, TMS excerbated those during, better afterwards.
@entenmk, Good news is the right side also treats depression! The magnetic pulses reach more than just the side they are treating, in fact bi-polar depression is only treated on the right side due to mania possibility on the left. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing increased anxiety, that’s an awful feeling too! Have they not been doing bi-lateral the whole time?
Keep the faith, I hope in the end it works out. Remember some people get better post-treatment as well. And if this isn’t it, have you tried Ketamine? I’m sure you’ve already tried the medication merry-go-round.
@tms2019, You are correct I was still crying most days out of the blue even at session 36 and having repeated suicidal thoughts. It was the additional ten sessions that made the difference for me. My insurance,Aetna, did cover my sessions because my scores improved, but not enough. My psychiatrist was great to realize this and add it to my protocol. I’m only 6 weeks out, so I’m still depression free so far. I know I’ll need boosters because unfortunately I take a daily benzo for severe anxiety & a movement disorder that started in 2018 when my depression hit. One thing that helped me during sessions was to play brain games like Elevate, math booster, Brain HQ. Kinda difficult with the tapping, but I was desperate to have some skills come back and it also helped. Sounds quirky, but I would go home and do 2 hours of long division, multiplication, subtraction, and addition to really keep things moving. Don’t be afraid to ask for more sessions if you need it.
@tms2019 I was very fatigued most of the process..my memory improved over time (it was terrible before from the severity of depression, thought I had dementia) Honestly I didn’t think it was going to work until treatments 36-46. Hang in there, it’s a wild ride, some days I thought I was losing it more than I already had, lol. Very worth it in the end, it saved my life! I hope you experience the same thing!
@entenmk, When I did my first 25 treatments we were mainly doing all right-sided treatment (I think left was 5min) because my situation was where my anxiety I’ve had well managed for 20 years went to insanity with extreme agitation, so they were afraid of stimulating me in the least bit. What they didn’t say was unbalanced treatments can lead to more irritability & anger (which was what I was experiencing) I’m not an angry person, so it was unusual & I also was so fatigued, way, way more depressed. The treating psychiatrist said maybe your wired a little differently and started left balanced bi-lateral and that’s when things started to get better.
You are correct for anxiety it is slow pulse right sided. They should be doing bi-lateral anyways, most people need both so they don’t become too activated or too irritable. I did have mornings with panic waking up & thought that’s weird my Valium isn’t working…in the end it calmed down and 46 was my magic number. I didn’t think it worked at all until 36 on…I also cut daily Valium in half from 15mg at the start to 7.5mg today, Hoping to stop that eventually, but they want me off 100% before doing another round…that’s tough.
@entenmk, You’re right I’ve read those stories & was so scared to do it myself because severe anxiety is what got me into that depressive state. Everyone is different, but overall most people on here seem to respond well. Keep us posted, it’s your treatment journey. I’m sure someone else will respond on here too. If this doesn’t work out remember they’re are lots of other options, Ketamine, Psylocibin soon, etc. I also take Saffron post-treatments as I needed all the help I could get & it seems to help too.
@entenmk, I’m a registered dietitian and would lean more towards Lavender oil capsules for sleep if it’s anxiety related (you can look up research as they are comparable to benzodiazepines) or possibly Saffron capsules (Life Extension makes a good one which helps both anxiety & depression) Melatonin is usually too high a dosage above physiological levels made in the body & honestly contraindicated in depression because it can make it worse. You could try them for relief. Tart cherry juice 8oz an hour before bed can also help.
Have a nice vacation! Try to stay engaged as much as you can on vacation to relax yourself.
@entenmk, Yes, I did experience that. My week 2 was so bad some days I was only sleeping from 1am-4am & I also have a movement disorder that is activated by stress, so my movements were returning that were under control with Valium. Week 3 was so bad I told the psychiatrist I was going to give up because I was losing my battle to depression it was so much more severe, that’s when they changed some parameters & started more left sided treatment.
I had some good days in there, but it was one tough journey! There was one day around week 4 I thought I was going crazy, like literally almost went to the hospital, my legs felt like there was an electrical surge going through them all day & I was on the brink of insanity. I even called my mom & started screaming at her for no reason telling her I was getting worse. My journey was up & down, it wasn’t until they added the additional 10 treatments after 36 the tears started drying up & I felt better days. Now I’m so grateful I did it & think to myself if this treatment didn’t exist I wouldn’t be here! Everyone’s journey to mental wellness is different, but I honestly had one hell of a trip to get there. Hang in there, I hope it works out for you. Are you expressing what you are experiencing with them? When I was sleeping worse (lack of sleep was one of the things that led me to severe depression) I told them about it. I also had severe, severe memory impairment. Last night I played Sudoku for neural plasticity, so it definitely works.
@tse Did you find anything to help your depression? I was curious as I also take daily Benzodiazepines and it creates a treatment resistant depression often times. I was successful with TMS for my depression, but I’m concerned about re-occurrence since I can’t stop the Valium. Good to know about options…
Hi @ Entenmk, TMS was my last hope! I was so depressed, suicidal, & unfunctional…crying sometimes 6 hours a day. I was so unsure it was going to work because I was up, then down, even at 36 I was a mess. My psychiatrist added and additional 10 treatments & it worked wonderfully. I’m even thinking about returning again to see if I can quit Valium. Hang in there, when it works it’s a miracle!
@lasthope97,
Keep going! I also thought TMS wasn’t going to work for me, I needed 46 treatments, but it finally did. I was very severe, not even functioning, crying almost all day with repeated suicidal thoughts. It’s so nice to have an end to that & be able to enjoy things again. I have a neuro/movement disorder that changed a lot of my healthy life, but this got me out enough to do things. There are other options such as Ketamine, Psylocibin in 2020, and DBS clinical trials (I know a brain implant sounds extreme, but hey if it gives you your life back) Good luck 🍀@vixen, I think over time you get used to it. That was my experience anyways. If it does get more painful ask them to adjust the positioning, they did that a few times for me. Good luck 🍀! It took 46 sessions for me, but it worked. I was crying all day everyday & thinking about suicide repeatedly. Such a relief to enjoy things with my kids & end those thoughts.
@bdw73, Did the medications work for your wife? I’m almost done with my total of 46 treatments, I was feeling better last week..then took a turn down again with 1 session left. I know medications are individual, but what is she taking if it helps in case I have to re-try that dead end again? I see things clearly so I think it helped something…
@kat5638, I’m sorry your experiencing such a roller coaster of emotions. My experience was the same. I had to extend my treatments an additional 10 for taper. I was thinking I was better last week taking kids to Disney World and my suicidal thoughts ended..then this week I have my cycle and the thoughts are returning and today crying 2X with only 1 more session this week. I see things more clearly so I think it did something, but I’m not as well as I was just last week. Even my kids & husband are like what happened you were doing so well. I’m going to wait to see what happens after the treatments too. I’ve been on Valium for 6 months & that surely adds to my depression & irritability. I can’t tolerate meds & Ketamine didn’t work, so if anything I would repeat this process again since I do feel some benefit, just not as much as I was hoping. I was severely depressed though, like dementia depressed. Good luck & keep fighting! Also communicate with your doctor, that’s been really helpful.
Thought I should report this was temporary and after 46 sessions my depression has improved. Not quite back to how I was, but I’m better & that’s important. I’m looking forward to see how I continue to improve post-treatment.
@catnip123, It may take more sessions than the original 30 or 36 you planned. They are adding an additional 10 sessions approved by my insurance & it’s making a bigger difference. I’m still unable to work, but I’m functioning much better at home with my kids. I would talk to them about additional treatments if it’s helped a little, you just might need more of it. Good luck 🍀
@sunnybrook,
What was the longevity of your TMS treatments on your depression? I know boosters are necessary, just curious how long yours lasted.@kat95,
It’s totally worth it to do. I failed all medications typically day 1 because they excerbated my involuntary movement disorder (except Lithium & Rilutek off label) which both just made me more depressed & confused. TMS has made a big improvement in my life. I’m not out of depression entirely, but I was crying all day everyday and constantly thinking of suicide. Now I’m not! I’ve been able to get my kids back in sports & am taking them to Disney World this week. I wish you luck on your journey 🍀. I have to take Valium nightly so this is partly why I’m not 100% out of depression I’m sure.@deb Awesome! I’m glad to hear it didn’t impact your results. I still have 7 treatments to continue to improve. I was able to attend a CEU for my RD renewal license today & pay attention. I was hoping to be well enough to return to part-time work at least. I’m not crying all day everyday & having constant suicidal thoughts repeatedly so that’s a big win! Hope you have continued success 🌈
@deb I’m so glad you’re feeling better. I’m better too, not as good as I was hoping with clarity of thought & memory, but I’m attributing some of this to my nightly Valium usage. This might be too personal, but I think I remember in one of your posts you also take anti-anxiety medication. You were able to get complete relief even with a benzodiazepines? I know these cause worsening depression although with my level of anxiety waking me up nightly I had no choice. It’s certainly improved my life compared to the awful anti-depressants.
@kittaykat,
I’m sorry you’re off to a rough start.. Make sure you let your doctor know and right side usually will reduce anxiety. I was very afraid of this myself since I had suicidal anxiety out of the blue last year and actually have been able to reduce my Valium with TMS down to 10mg for sleep only. I will say it took me a very long time to see results now at treatment 38 & I’m no longer depressed or having repeated suicidal thoughts. Such a relief finally! I was literally crying like 6 hours a day before TMS. It was a very up & down thing, I had a day where I literally thought I was going crazy, but I’m glad now I hung in there. Good luck 🍀 to you, don’t be afraid to speak up! You may need additional treatments for results, my psychiatrist is taking me to 46 since 36 wasn’t enough.@deb How’s it going for you? I just finished my 36, I’d say I’m better than I was at the start, but not back to who I was. They are adding another 5 weeks 2X per week to get me closer to better. I’m hoping this can get me off my nightly Valium dose of 10mg, that’s not helping my depression or memory issues. We’ll see. I’m seeing some hope, doing more with my kids, I start an art project with a friend tomorrow, but I’m not able to work yet. I was a registered dietitian & loved that. I hope you are getting some relief soon!
I will say I’ve never reached out online and the kind people on here have been reassuring. I do like to see people recovering from this treatment. That gives you hope to keep trying at least. It’s like depression support group;) I’m going to put on mascara & lip stain as you suggested and try to put my best face forward. I mean I cry everywhere, but unfortunately all the parents I’m friends with have no idea I lost my mind last year, so that’s a little embarrassing.
@there-is-hope thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate it and the hope you provide! Thanks for rooting for me. You didn’t make me feel I wasn’t doing a good job. I’m just barely surviving and can’t get out of my head no matter what I do. I’ve lost my intellect (which used to be high) that alone is sad. I’ve lost all confidence. I hate Valium as it just deepens my depression, but I’m told most likely I can’t come off. I’m no where close to who I was & am hoping TMS could bring that back. Medications and even Ketamine were a bust (it actually made me more suicidal). I’ve been told I’m not a candidate for ECT due to the severity of my anxiety it isn’t effective. I always thought there was a way to bring people back, but I’m starting to think maybe not. Today was #35! They added another 5 weeks 2x per week. I’m sorry my post is so depressing, but it is what it is. You know the crazy thing I unsuccessfully tried to end it all at the end of November 2018 & I’m always so sad it didn’t go through. I hear those videos of suicide survivors and they always say the minute they leapt from the bridge they regretted it and were forever grateful they got a 2nd chance. I obviously don’t want that or I wouldn’t be in TMS. I just don’t understand why nothing works to bring me joy, or my sense of humor, or clarity of any thought, or a will to live, not cry all the time. I mean the repeating suicidal thoughts all day everyday were enough to drive anyone mad if that’s literally all you can think of or occupy your mind with. Even when I walk my dog, which exercise used to bring me clarity & freedom to enjoy music & endorphins. I was such an upbeat positive person and I just don’t see that returning. I’m sorry if I came across different, I’m just frustrated with losing returns no matter what I try. I go to weekly counseling, nothing, I journal, it makes me aware of how depressed I am. I can’t help what happened to me & I somehow can’t climb out no matter what medical professional steps in. I don’t sleep well after what happened last year and I’m sure that’s a huge part of this all. My husband says he’s never seen my eyes so deep & purple underneath. I was hoping to be that TMS success story and so far I’m not. I had 2 good days out of 7 last week. This week 0. I hate my kids watch me always hoping “mommies getting better”. I want to be better, this blackness of suicidal depression is getting old. I’m taking my son to flag football tonight (at least TMS allowed me to sign him up) but I can’t stop crying all day & am afraid of balling on the sidelines the whole time. I like to hear your gaining ground, when it works it’s a game changer. The nice depressed people in my clinic keep telling me it might work & when it does it’s way better than medications. I still have a chance, but I’m losing hope.
@there-is-hope Thanks for the suggestions, but I’ve already got plenty on my plate to take care of with 3 young children, one who is special needs (with lots of challenges) and a golden retriever. My case is a little different as I lost both my physical body and mind in 2018. I have an involuntary movement disorder that causes all kinds of physical discomfort…hence the Valium to keep them at bay at night. The problem is I have impaired memory/attention/concentration very badly after last year and nothing repairs memory (except maybe TMS) I do journal & it’s ok, it makes me more aware of how truly depressed I am. I was crying 6 hours at least per day and repeatedly having suicidal thoughts, so there is some progress. My crying has improved. It’s hard because I was such a functional mom & registered dietitian who worked out 5x week to manage anxiety & ate brain foods for over a decade. I guess the sleep deprivation from my youngest & his literally crying at me for 4 years got the best of my nervous system. Anyways I’m glad you found an outlet, it’s important to keep trying! It’s hard to like who you were & no you can never go back. I have to tell people I had a TBI it’s that severe. My kids & husband are shocked that could happen to a person in a year. It’s hard that I could read books last summer & now feel that I have dementia. One day at a time, right? I can’t tolerate medications due to it flaring my movements badly. We’ll see where this takes us.
@there-is-hope I’m struggling with a lot of fatigue as well. I’ve been on Valium for past 5 months so that’s part of it, but at the end of my TMS it’s been way more than usual. Like I’m dragging a dead body around, I also don’t sleep well during treatments. Still hopeful this might work, but so far no interest in anything & still often suicidal thoughts. Good to hear it’s working for you! 🌈
@deb, I get the eye watering too! Seeing some progress now, but it’s not consistent. They’re extending another 5 weeks 2x per week. My crying is less, but some days I’m irritable. Yesterday was good. I’ll take some good days over 6 hours of daily crying. Good luck to all of you, hoping you get back to who you were!
@caleb Yes, I had the experience your describing. It was during my 2nd week of treatment. The first week was joyful memories from the past. Remember some of this is restoring connections, so it might bring up all kinds of things in the brain. I’m working with a CBT counselor to discuss as things come up. If possible I highly recommend a counselor working with you on this very unclear roller coaster ride. I’m in your boat with the suicidal thoughts for a damn year…hopefully this rids that. Good luck Caleb! 🍀 Keep fighting…I’m on #31 and finally have less crying (literally everyday was crying) but no where near to 2017 self. They decided to extend my treatments for another 5 weeks 2X week. We shall see…
