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@sunnybrook I know you said this treatment improved your memory. Was it the whole time or at the end when your depression lifted? I have severe memory impairment from what occurred last year and the Valium they have me on isn’t helping that issue. I’m hoping I get memory functioning back, it sure would make my life with 3 little boys much easier. I’m on treatment 32, crying is less, but definitely not happy yet. Still having suicidal thoughts often out of the blue. Some irritability, which I don’t know if that’s another depression symptom or from Valium. Hoping….they extended my treatment an additional 5 weeks 2X per week.
@susan49, I play brain games or math skills because my memory impairment is very bad (also Valium doesn’t help this issue) Other times I try to get things accomplished while I can still think because it wears off quickly. I have been feeling a great bit more fatigue as treatments go on, but it depends on the day. Good luck on this journey, hope you’re one of the lucky 🍀 ones. I’m hoping so to for myself and my 3 boys…all trials of medications either flared my movement disorder or made me more confused than I already am like Lithium. They told me I’m not a candidate for ECT because I had severe suicidal anxiety last year with my severe depression.
@fatiguedanddepressed I’m glad things are going well for you. I’m not sure which direction I’m going, crying is less this past week. I still have moments of suicidal thoughts out of the blue. I’m functioning better, but nothing like my old self or even as well as last summer when this all started. At least I could read & comprehend books, make Paleo meals for me & kids, still laughing sometimes (although anxiety, depression, and these neuromuscular issues were taking me down) My doctor extended treatment for another 5 weeks 2x per week. They are doing almost an hour on me OCD, MDD, and anxiety. I’m disappointed I may have to stay on Valium for my movements at 10mg per night because I already have significantly impaired memory and that medication is no joke. I feel so fatigued all the time now, I don’t know if it’s Valium, treatments, or my neuromuscular issues. I just know if this is better I’m screwed because I cannot live like this either. I was hoping to return to work one day as a registered dietitian, but my new aspiration is buying a couch to lay on all day until my kids get home from school, that’s no way to live! My counselor says she sees changes all I did was repeat myself & talk about suicide because no one could treat me due to medications flaring
my movements. Now I talk about parenting & other challenges. I was hoping to be happy again, have creativity back, ambition, motivation, etc. Really to have my body work too, so I could enjoy exercise like I used to. Here’s hoping to more improvements than I’m feeling. Did you have memory difficulty? Has TMS helped that? That’s really hard to live with as a mom to 3 boys and benzodiazepines don’t help memory for sure. Everyone’s like a “new” normal, you live in this tortured body & mind, let’s see how you do? Sorry for venting…just want back! Way more than this…@sunnybrook did you receive bilateral treatment or only left-sided? I’m on #30 and although increased functioning, I only had increased memory at the start. I’ve had some good days, but those damn suicidal thoughts keep coming back in. It’s a very frustrating process when you want to be back to who you were so desperately! They are doing bi-lateral since I’m so lucky to have suicidal anxiety & depression occur at the same time. I’m on Valium for 5 months, but hate it with a passion. Hope this works. At least crying had stopped this week, but definitely not happy.
@fatiguedanddepressed, I’m so happy your feeling yourself recover! That’s awesome to hear & inspiring. May I ask what protocol they are using for you? How many minutes? They’ve changed mine up a few times during treatment. I’m now doing left side MDD, right side for anxiety, and orbital frontal for OCD. My nerves are kinda burning all over recently (remember I have that weird neuromuscular issue that is related to what occurred during that severe breakdown in 2018) I’ve had increased functioning, but not moods or sleep yet! I’m assuming you tried medications too. My counselor keeps telling me to hang in there. She said she’s noticed a difference in me. This has been a tough process with emotions all
over the place, then recently I’ve had increased anger in highly emotional instances with my family. My youngest is a very tough special needs son who destroys everything and is very aggressive. A lot for me to deal with in my state! At least I’m not on the couch crying from Valium all day repeating myself “why did this happen to me”, “how to I get back”, “suicide is the only answer because these doctors can’t figure out how to help me”. I’m not joyful YET! Small moments of them, but doesn’t last.@hopeful@53 How’s it going? I hope you got some reprieve. I’m on treatment #25 and it’s been all over the map. I’m a pretty complicated case with involuntary movements & muscle misfiring that seeming to pop back up with TMS after being under control w/ Valium. I also had severe anxiety with such agitation at 40 after 20 years of high functioning with it. Medications make my movements flare, Ketamine was a bust leaving me more agitated & suicidal, so didn’t have a lot of options left. My memory is impaired/attention/concentration compared to what I used to be. I’ve have 3 young boys to care for, so it’s important I improve in some way. My sleep has been awful since last August 2018…that isn’t helping any of this! Hearing other stories of healing is important to help me know something will work
@deb Yes, it totally helps! I’ve been watching those YouTube videos as well, I keep saying this is a game changer for so many, I want that to be my story! I have to say today was depression & 1st OCD treatment together & I immediately feel lighter & more smiley! That’s never happened. Maybe we’ve found the right protocol for me. I can’t even imagine living with MDD for 7 years, that goes to show your strength & resiliency right there. I’ve been depressed through periods of my life mainly after trauma..but the last 4 years with my congenital heart defect son who is very cognitively impaired has taken it’s toll on my mental health with more periods of depression and then my total breakdown where I thought I went insane, yet I’m still here fighting.
@fatiguedandepressed How are you doing at this juncture? I’m going into #24 still not feeling relief yet, but crying has been lessening since they changed my protocol to left side past 3 days. I still keep thinking I wish my suicide attempt last November was successful, so then I know i’m not on the other side. It’s hard to accept how much my intelligence & body have changed from 2018 compared to my high functioning. I hate being on Valium too! I was hoping TMS would correct all this and bring me back to 2017 Jaimie. I might consider a 2nd round since I know medications were not tolerable due to my movements & Ketamine was a bust! I have 3 great boys I keep fighting for.
@sunnybrook I think I’ve read a few of your posts elsewhere on this forum during treatment and you didn’t think it was working for you. When did you notice the difference, post-treatment? As I’m getting closer to the end at 23 I’m getting more concerned…Thanks
@deb, I agree it’s not an easy treatment. It is very individual. I’m on treatment #23 and had a good 1st 9 treatments with joy, memory returning, organizational skills. Then the rest have been all over the map and certainly not ending my depression YET. Having hope is the most important thing. I’m a pretty severe case with an involuntary movement disorder & constant muscle mis-firing that occurred with off the charts anxiety & severe suicidal depression at 40! I’ve been on Valium for 4 months which I absolutely hate & am hoping TMS can get me out of the hole! I’m a very unsual case and couldn’t tolerate most medications due to movements flaring. TMS has returned functioning in regards to my children and little less crying last 2 days since they changed my protocol. Keep in mind your among a very depressed group with various co-morbities and as you said it’s very individual. I figured the risk was worth it for me because what’s worse than death! They are going to start treating my OCD tomorrow as well (even though that faded in the background with my sanity last year) Good luck! 🍀 Keep up the journey to healing.
@bd73 I’m so sorry for your family. My involuntary movements came back with a vegenance that had been under control with Valium & my depression was so severe yesterday I cried the entire day, so I’m wondering if TMS is making me worse. I’ll throw this out there for your wife, there is a clinical trial in Atlanta for a deep brain stimulation implant for major depressive disorder if medications don’t help. Tell her to keep fighting no matter the pain inside because there has to be something to help her brain. I signed up for the trial myself as a next step, but I have co-morbities so I don’t know if I’ll qualify. Good luck! This disease is awful!
Hi Pas 02,
Did you end up deciding on ECT? I’m on treatment #20 for severe suicidal depression/severe anxiety/coupled with an involuntary movement disorder. I had a good first 9 with thoughts returning, joy, memory. Now I’m all over the map & today my movements that were controlled with Valium returned with a vengeance. If this doesn’t work out I’m considering Deep Brain Stimulation with implant for OCD (which I also have) and see if they can fix the rest. There’s a clinical trial in Atlanta for depression if your interested. Good Luck! Depression is awful! Especially when your not functioning as I am w/ 3 boys.@Springercali, How soon did your TMS symptoms appear? During treatment, right after? I’m very concerned because my main issue before I began was severe anxiety that came on at 40, along with suicidal depression. I’ve already had neuro cognitive changes as a result of what happened in 2018 via neuropsych testing (lowered IQ to high average, everything else was average, except impaired working memory/attention/concentration) I also just so happen to have an involuntary movement disorder & muscle twitching that they put me on Valium for past 4 months. I’m hoping TMS will get me off Valium and improve memory/anxiety/severe depression since I’m a mom to 3 young boys. I tried so many medications that either confused me more or landed me in ER from exacerbating movements.
I’m on #19 and it’s been up & down. First 9 days were on upswing, joy, memory…then we’ve been all over the place. I’ve read horror stories other places especially folks with severe anxiety that I already had. I’m very sorry for your experience, I can’t imagine hope and then getting worse. ❤️At Fatigued and depressed, it’s good to hear your experience. I’ve been depressed with the most severe anxiety ever at 40 years old, that required Valium which isn’t helping depression or poor memory issues from depression. I trialed several antidepressants and all classes of meds that exacerbated my involuntary movement disorder, some landing me in the ER. I even tried Ketamine which was awful (more agitated & suicidal) I’m on Neurostar #18! First 9 days were on upswing felt joy, some organizational skills coming back, then took a vacation. After returning it started causing major insomnia, even though I was having memories returning and functioning. They switched protocol to higher anxiety pulses this week & insomnia protocol and now I’m cloudy, irritable, and back to uncontrollable crying. Early morning waking at 3:30am, but insomnia resolved. I so want to get better for my 3 boys. I’ve always been high functioning so it’s tough place to be. I’m hoping this works for both of us. I’m hoping to get off Valium with TMS!
At Badhealther and Alan,
I’m just starting TMS treatments in an effort to improve the 1st depression I’ve never been able to get out of on my own! I had a complete breakdown last year with involuntary movements & around the clock twitching, along with a severe anxiety. Unfortunately I started Valium as I was literally pacing all day from the amount of anxiety I was having & how little sleep I was getting. Long story short we have tried several medications & Ketamine all making my movements worse or moods I’ve never had. TMS is my last hope to end this suicidal depression and hopefully get some memory & functionality back for my 3 kids. Did it make your depression worse off the bat? I’ve actually had some improvements & days without non-stop crying. I’m only at treatment 7 though! Please let me know if you got worse as time went on or post-treatment? I can’t get much worse & so far was hopeful this might bring me back a little…I’d also like to get off Valium if possible with right side treatment. Your replies are helpful & appreciated…
