May 8, 2018 at 8:22 pm #33589
Ive never reached out for help before but I am desperate. Today is my tenth treatment and last week I felt hope that TMS was going to work for me. I had a few “lifts” that lasted from a few hours to a day. By lift I mean the cessation of suicide idealization, not really from the unending depression, lethargy, crying and anxiety. But a definite lift.
Yesterday, i woke up a million times worse..in complete despair. And today i cant stop crying. I have nightmares all night about past events in my life.
I came off several antidepressants and an anti anxiety a few weeks before starting TMS and while the meds did not alleviate my depression, coming off them sent me into a black hole, hence deciding to try TMS. Has anyone one else had the experience of a black depression after stopping medications?
Has anyone else experienced a roller coaster of emotions?? Ive read about ” the dip” and Im scared that I may be entering it. But even before this extreme dip yesterday, i was all over the place with my emotions.. feeling suicidal and hopeless to a few hours later, feeling some hope.
Also has anyone else experienced nightmares of past events in their life while going through TMS treatments? Like its bringing up repressed emotions?
I can not express how grateful I am that this forum exists and that there are people that care enough to reply to a complete stranger. Thank you so much for any input or hope you can offer me. I feel very alone in this journey. I am an empty nester and my friends just do not understand depression. My poor kids are worried sick about me. I am desperate for this treatment to work for me. Obviously, my brain is reacting to the treatment but so far not in the way I hoped. My doctor told me it is not a straight line up. Please share any experiences that others have had with this roller coaster effect with the emotions so I know Im not alone and this is “normal.” Does this mean that TMS WILL work for me? Im so scared about it NOT working. I dont know how I will carry on being in this black hole where i cant get out of bed.
Thank yo SOOOO much for any responses.May 8, 2018 at 11:20 pm #33590
First I am so sorry you are having these problems because of TMS treatment.
I made it through most of TMS except the last month. It was hell. Depression increased on some days. No control over my emotions other days. I was constantly urged by the person adjusting the machine to my head everyday that it would get better. Even went as far to tell me I was feeling better when I felt I was not.
If you have an internist, Psychiatrist, Psychologist, even the Emergency Room when you are having these feelings please seek someone out that is not involved with TMS.
I think those of us who try TMS have been through the realm of anti-depressants and they have provided little to no relief or had other side effects. I felt TMS was my last chance to feel better, and not be depressed any longer. It does not work for everyone from what I have seen here. I made the choice to give it a try as I had exhausted all other options, and wanted to feel better. It was emotional, many ups and downs, and it was painful for me every damn day.
Is ten treatments enough for you to see a difference? From what you have written you are seeing a difference and it does not sound like a good difference.
I would seek help of a doctor as I mentioned above. To me this sounds serious, and very scary for you.
I personally feel that TMS does not work for everyone, and in many cases can make people feel worse.
Out of all my sessions, I had almost 4 weeks post TMS where my depression was less, not gone. Then after that my depression came back full force.
To this day I live with it, with no medication, nothing.
I don’t think TMS is all it is talked up to be. In my case the people operating the machine on my head were doing it wrong. They were learning, and I was their guinea pig.
I feel TMS should be banned from use. I have no idea how untrained people ever were allowed to use this treatment on people.
It’s a money maker, at the patient’s expense.
Back to you as I said please see a doctor not related with TMS and talk to them about how you are feeling. If it was a medication a doctor put you on and you were having these problems they would keep you on it and have you come in more often, also I am guessing see a psychologist for talk therapy, or the doctor would take you off any medication causing you to have these issues.
IMO STOP the TMS. Ignore what the TMS techs are telling you, most are very uneducated.
Besides the emotional problems it caused me I quit TMS because I was losing the vision in my right eye. That is the side where they always put the machine. I could not tolerate the left side. Three weeks after stopping TMS my vision returned. My vision was fine before starting TMS as I had seen my ophthalmologist one month prior to starting TMS. TMS causes a lot of problems for people.
Please see your doctor.May 9, 2018 at 11:21 am #33601
Yes I have glosurf! I run a daycare and the kids will be arriving soon so I will get back to you either at nap time or tonight.
Meanwhile just know that some of us have had this experience. If you have sunshine where you are try to enjoy and take peace in knowing you are not alone.
I am in remission so I would go through it again to get to where I am.
Back to you a bit later.
ColleenMay 9, 2018 at 11:00 pm #33602
Thank you so much for your reply.
Another extremely difficult black day. I really look forward to you sharing your experience with me as I feel so alone and crazy in this process
gMay 9, 2018 at 11:02 pm #33603
I am terrified it is making me worse, not better.. and i had hope last week… which makes this even more difficultMay 9, 2018 at 11:42 pm #33604
To help calm your fears, there is no scientific evidence that supports that TMS can make patients worse. There may be no improvement in some patients’ depression, but not a decline. With that said, I feel like you are describing my journey. I say that to assure you that you are not alone in your response to treatments. At the 10th treatment I felt so horrible I almost quit and if it wasn’t for my doctor believing so strongly in the treatment, I would have. I was one hell of a mess at two weeks out, having re-occurring memories of my childhood abuse, emotions that were so unstable, worse depression than when I started and a fear that ran so deep I just want to bang my head against a brick wall to make it all stop. It is a difficult journey for some of us g. Try and remember you are going through a medical procedure – no one knows how difficult that may be for each individual patient. My dip was so bad I thought I was getting worse and going insane at the same time. At two weeks my doctor remapped and the memories subsided because the configurations were ever so slightly different, but it made all the difference in stopping the memories. It was scary. I thought my brain would never return to even the place I was before I started TMS. I thought I agreed to permanent brain damage. Today however, I am in remission and off all medication. I go once a year for three booster treatments and my life for the past 7 1/2 years has been depression free. I would face it all again if I had or ever have to, in order to achieve the quality of life, the clarity in thinking and the positive, enjoyable experiences I have each day.
My doctor and treatment team were/are wonderful and offered as much support and information that I needed And at times it was a lot. They are the source of expertise. My doctor and treater guided me through this experience with belief and conviction. Keep connected with them – I do hope they are of the quality and offer the professionalism you deserve. It helps too to listen to positive lectures, to eat as healthy as you can, journal if it helps, whet ever you can muster up the energy to do that is positive. Stay connected to support systems even if there are only a few.
Stay connected to this site. You deserve to feel as good as possible. This takes work, commitment, courage and blind faith and if you have dealt with depression, you have all of those qualities. I hope this helps and if you need more support, just ask. That is what we are here for. Sending supportive hugs and positive vibes!
g do you know what company made the TMS treatment machine your doctor uses? Mine is NeuroStar.
May 10, 2018 at 11:53 pm #33608
- This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by colleencasey.
So much gratitude for sharing your story.. this gives me hope. I think I am in the dip.. my anxiety is through the roof, scattered obsessive thinking, heart pounding and a much worse depression which is shocking because I didn’t think it could get worse!
I just want to not be here but because of my children, that is not an option and I’m TERRIFIED that I am doomed to live this hell forever.
Unfortunately my doctor and team seem like they don’t really understand the dip and suggested I stay off of forums.
It is the Neurostar machine and he did add three more sights of treatment that he said should help with the anxiety and the physical sensation of depression like that gut punched feeling in my stomache I have all the time.
Your description of feeling like you were going crazy is spot on! I’ve never felt more unstable in my life and I’ve lost 5 out of my 6 brothers. I didn’t think I could feel worse than after those deaths, but I do.
At this point I’m continuing on with blind faith hoping the sights the doctor added will help my situation. Normally I ask a lot of questions and am very involved in my healthcare but now I don’t even care anymore. I have to trust he knows what he’s doing . You and they have reassured me that TMS can not hurt me or make me worse long term so I pray that’s the case with me. I have extreme insomnia too.
I’m desperate for TMS to work and feel like you did about wanting to quit but I’m determined to see it through.
I have zero appetite but am trying hard to eat healthy and am forcing myself to yoga a couple of times a week and am listening to a lot of guided meditation and positive podcasts.
I even started with a new therapist today.
I’m doing all I can to feel better.
Again, I guess I’m in the dip. And it’s terrifying.
I’m so sorry if my thoughts are all over the place. Normally I can write eloquently .. I can think properly right now .
When did you notice an improvement with your dip? With the depression? Did your anxiety go away?
Is there a specific site I should suggest to my doctor to help with this dip?
Thank you thank you thank you for your help Colleen. You are truly an angelMay 11, 2018 at 1:29 am #33609
Just got off the phone with another patient who is struggling. We exchanged emails and then set up a phone call. Would you like to connect that way? If so I will include my email address on my next post. Email me and then we can possibly connect via phone. Let me know if this plan works.
ColleenMay 11, 2018 at 5:39 pm #33612
Hi yes please Colleen.. that is so incredibly kind of you to offer. I would like to speak very muchMay 14, 2018 at 3:00 pm #33613
Okay, email me at email@example.com and we can arrange a time.
ColleenMay 15, 2018 at 2:45 am #33614
You are AMAZING to put yourself out there for a stranger. I think I’m past the dip or whatever insane anxiety ridden roller coaster I was on.
After receiving 4 treatments now to 4 areas, my anxiety has calmed down a GREAT deal.
I can at least function again.
My depression is still with me but I actually feel an ease up from that as well.
I’m shocked if this is the TMS working already, especially after what appreasred to be a huge dip but not for that long.
I find it hard to trust this slight lift but I’m taking it day by day.. sometimes minute by minute.
I pray this is the TMS working for me.
I don’t think I need a call and will hold off in case I get bad again and near an empathetic ear.
I’m so grateful for you and this forum to help me through this treatment.
For tonight, I have high hopes.June 2, 2018 at 9:09 pm #33679
Just curious how you’re doing now, a few weeks later? I had the dip a couple weeks ago as well, and then had some really great days. Now I feel like I’m somewhere in between and hoping I’m gonna get the lift again! Hoping you’re feeling much better!
CourtneyAugust 17, 2018 at 5:54 pm #33743
It is now nearly the end of August, about 3 months since your post. I hope you are feeling much better.
Today was my 12th treatment. I don’t seem as sluggish but I’m extremely irritable, angry, and want to isolate. Last night I was thinking about things from my past and it made me think of your dream question. My theory is that depression (for me) has encased my brain in a thick goo like fog, making me apathetic and listless. Once the fog begins to clear, thinking becomes clearer and events a healthy brain would have processed and let go of years ago are now becoming exposed for healing. It truly is a hellish emotional roller coaster.
Anyway, I hope you are feeling much better 🙂
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