August 11, 2017 at 3:14 am #5857
I’m on session 33. I’m being weaned off. So this week is 4 next 3 and then 2 or something like that. I felt ok or even great about 3 weeks ago until this week. I know my dip gets worse when I get treatment because yesterday I didn’t go and today I went and I feel horrible again. I felt the same way the day before when I had gone. I’m so scared. When I started to feel better I took an opportunity for a highly stressful job that came up. It was a once in a lifetime kind of opportunity. And I’m still grateful. But I’m so scared that my depression is going to crawl back the way I’m feeling tonight. I feel so so sad I can cry for hours. The type of crying that you do when you’re having a nightmare as if you lost a loved one. I feel so deeply sad. I’m scared that this is how I will feel now. And that I made a mistake thinking I could be normal and work at an office again. Before I was working from home and had my own clients. I’m keeping them and having my husband take over. Anyways, I don’t know what’s happening. Before tms I knew even though I’m smart enough to take a high paying job I would never have taken it. Then I had tms and took the job. And now that it’s over or weaning is happening I feel so much worse than before. I keep havibg vivid strange dreams that I’m sick and tired of. And I just feel more sad and thoughts of suicide run through my head more. I know I’m rambling. I just feel so alone. Like no one gets it. I don’t even get my depression anymore. Not to this degree. I’m thinking of not going anymore. Because I get worse with each session. Even though I only have about 4 sessions left.August 11, 2017 at 3:52 am #5858
To add I don’t think I’m super smart… I sound conceited. I was trying to explain that in the back of my head I always knew that If depression wasn’t a problem I would be doing better as far as holding down a job with more responsibilities.September 5, 2017 at 5:48 pm #5876
Your best move here is to keep working very closely with your doctor. They know your situation the best and will be able to help quantify the results of your TMS as well as how to move forward after treatment – both practically and logistically.
I imagine that taking a high stress job during treatment would greatly conflate the issues you are seeking to alleviate. At the very least, it certainly adds a new layer of stress to your already delicate situation. Does your doctor know about you taking this job? If so, they should be able to help you navigate the best ways forward as you continue your treatment.
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