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I thought I was past the half-way point of the set treatments (32; I know there are boosters and suche). But today I found out I’m ALMOST half way. I’m getting tired and like wanting to quit. I had a major headache by the end of the of yesterday’s (Wednesday’s) session and it was on/off the rest of the day with high intensity. I felt like I couldn’t go through that again today. Brooke (the technician) worked with me and we adapted it to 110% (rather than 120%) and she gave me 5 squishy brains XD
The first week was of course difficult but like now I’m tired and I don’t want to be so exhausted; I guess the backlash of yesterday with a major headache kinda scared me? I don’t know. But I just want to be done. I feel better! Like I’m still depressed or low at times but it’s not as much of a burden somehow… I cannot pin point it but there is something just different. And when I do feel hella down, it’s circumstantial.
I want to stop just for a bit. Like I feel like I need a break… How do I get through this? Is it possible to have a small break? Like clinically safe/okay?
Hi lajp:
Six weeks of treatment is a long time. I think many people get to a point where they want to take a break or even stop treatment. I did and my doctor and I had a heart to heart discussion about feelings, brain changes, the TMS process, etc.
Your doctor and treatment team would be able to give you the best advice for consistency with treatment and whether a break is advantageous.. I have been told that a break at the initial treatment course could negatively affect outcome, but I am just a patient.
If you are feeling better, and your treatment cycle has not been complete, it may be like taking an antibiotic – some people stop when they start feeling better not at the end of medication and then the illness comes back.
Hang in there – the end results will be well worth it if you are already starting to feel better.
ColleenThank you so much colleencasey. You are so helpful, supportive, and insightful and understanding. I just, this second half of the week (starting Wednesday) I feel so tired; and past tired to exhausted and drained at this point. Wednesday was one of the rougher TMS sessions I’ve had since the first week (definitely an adjustment period for everyone right?). I just I don’t know. Circumstances, my best friend is in the hospital, I feel overwhelmed with PTK (honor society for 2-yr colleges), TMS, school; I’m starting to doubt school and if I even genuinely want an Associates in Arts in Media Comm. I want to earn my associates for sure. That’s a set goal.
I just idek. Is this one experience of a Dip/The Dip? I just, my self-harm urges are higher than they have been in months, I cry at almost nothing, I don’t want to feel like this. It just kinda accumulated and hit me like that *snaps fingers*. My case worker came over today and asked how my week was and I genuinely believed it was Monday… then I realized/remembered it’s Friday…
I feel so lost and I am second guessing and doubting things. Please help. I feel so alone in this.
lajp:
You hang in there. I will be back at ya a bit later but till I can write a little more, know what you are going through is common. I self-harmed too so we have things in common. School etc. Sending a message of “you are not alone and you will make it through this”. I needed a lot of support when I couldn’t understand the process – it was confusing. I will write tonight (my time zone). You are stronger than you feel. Feelings are temporary. Back at you soon.
Colleenlajp:
You are welcome. Simply paying it forward as I have received so much support, encouragement and help from my psychiatrist, treatment team and friends and colleagues.
I felt the second week and after that the Treatments were like taking a valium, and I have never had a valium. I experienced deep relaxation and exhaustion right after also. It makes it tough to get the energy together sometimes to get to the next treatment. And it persists sometimes throughout the next days too.
There may be a heightened sense of your feelings, urges, etc., as your brain adjusts to the stimulation, but you made it without self-harming right? That’s a big plus! Emotions are all over the place. One minute you might feel good, the next not so much. This is a medical procedure and there aren’t too many medical procedures that are easy or even comfortable to go through. So you are definitely being challenged with this procedure. However, it is important to remember it is temporary. This will not go on forever – thank goodness.
Okay so the dip – it can be rough getting through that part. But again support systems and gentle self care can be very helpful. It is a normal effect of the procedure for some patients. It can be scary, exhausting, discouraging too – but the positive note is that the dip is shown to be temporary. It can test your patience and positivity, but it’s temporary.
This will subside and the outcome will be determined. Just remember it is not so clear for everyone immediately whether treatment is effective. The more positive and optimistic thoughts you can manage (and I know that is asking a lot under the circumstances) the better you may feel. Remember the word – TEMPORARY.
Feeling lost when your brain is undergoing this burst of energy from TMS can be tough. Your brain is trying to adapt and then figure out what neuro connectors go into what receptors. That’s a lot of work you are doing there!
Try not to project as challenging as that may be and accept all the support and love offered to you. You deserve it.
If this treatment works, you will look back at this experience and be grateful for every up and down you went through because your life may be so different. Blind faith at this point, blind faith and persistence.
You do have this! There is knowledge deep inside that drives you each day that won’t let you give up! It’s called courage, strength and wisdom.
Hugs
ColleenHi lajp, I just wanted to reach out and make a connection. I’m on day 10 of treatment and seem to be responding very well. I like the way you stated, ” I cannot pin point it but there is something just different.” There is definitely something different. It seems to be a positive difference. I’d say you’ve come this far try to hang in there. Colleen has responded to me also (thanks Colleen) and it seems she’s had a very positive outcome. I’m believing and putting my faith in the thought that this will be true for me also. I’m also feeling headachy and zapped of all energy, I’m glad to know it may be part of the treatment and not something new to contend with. My thoughts are that after years of depression this treatment isn’t really that bad. Of course the technician where I go is incredibly kind and attentive and I think that matters. I felt a slight chill yesterday during treatment and she immediately asked me if I were cold and if there were anything she could do. She insisted that I watch something on tv during treatment to take my mind off of it. The doctor said nothing violent or emotionally upsetting, so I’ve been watching Cesar Milan train dogs and now that that series has ended I’ve started watching another warm and fuzzy animal show. The show is ready to go the minute I walk in the door, and again the technician is so kind and attentive I look forward to seeing her and think I will miss her when the treatments are over. Maybe doing something different and pleasurable during treatment will help you also. Just a thought, glad I’m not alone in this. Patjrvj
Thanks Patjrvj. Yeah, it’s nice to know someone else is at the beginning of TMS and like walking through it together in a sense.
Colleencasey, I don’t feel suicidal like I did at the end of last year (Nov/Dec of 2017) but I have increased self-harm urges and have acted on the self-harm urges. I just don’t know. I think I’m happier… like things seem more do-able and not as daunting. But also things are scary and I don’t know if I am doing the “right” thing when it comes to college and school right now.
I guess I feel like there is this way I am “suppose” to feel and if I don’t then either I’m doing something “wrong” or TMS is “wrong” for me. I feel obligated to feel “better” (that term is so subjective to everyone individually). If I don’t, then it’s my fault.
I want to try to be natural in how I feel and make sure these feelings are MINE and nobody’s expectations. How do I stay true to myself?
Hello,
I am in the middle of receiving my first TMS treatment. I am currently 31 and was diagnosed with Major Depression, ADHD, Aniexty etc..when I was young. I also have ASD and am high on the spectrum scale. I joined this clinical trial to see if TMS helps with autism also. I am starting my third week of treatment and feel like I am in that dip. I felt better I thought at first now I feel bored like I always am and very very tired. I sleep or try to sleep over 12 hrs a day. Anyone else in the middle of their TMS treatment become very tired all the time?Take Care
P.S Loki is the name of my Maltese doggie 🙂Hi loki! Welcome! Thanks for reaching out, we love to support each other. Yeah off-label uses for TMS include ASD. But I don’t want to change that oart of me (somewhat)… I’m afraid I’ll see what I missed and feel dumb about my past…
But glad you are here. I had MDD, Anxiety NOS, ADHD, ASD, as well. This is a really relatable place. I’m sorry you are so tired and sleepy too. Naps are almost always nice though.
Wish you the best.lajp
You are authentic – And you are your true self inside. No one can take that from you. When depressed, however, we can sometimes not listen to “us” because we aren’t confident enough, or haven’t trusted ourselves. We do sometimes respond differently to different situations and people. And then sometimes feel we didn’t respond the way we really wanted to. And that can feel like we were not true to ourselves. The positive here is that most TMS patients report after successful treatment an improved clarity in thinking. (Some medical students started using TMS before exams because of this feature and improvements in memory. It was in the paper a couple of years ago).
With that said, I will tell you what my psychiatrist who is also my therapist says about staying true to yourself – Keep repeating “I know what I know.” Period! I didn’t get it at first because not only was I confused but I had disassociated personality disorder in addition to MDD and ADHD. So trusting myself was trusting a different person each time on the inside until my work with integration was successful. If you don’t listen to that gut response now, just try to start tuning in. TMS cannot change that at all. TMS is like pulsing energy into the brain. Jump starting what is taking a nap so to speak. But your gut response is something that is there in your being. It is a communication center for you to accomplish exactly what you want – being yourself. We just have to listen to it.
Self-harm is it’s own issue. When TMS starts to work and depression starts to lift other issues that were buried by the depression may surface. It is a good thing, but does require work to figure out what you are getting out of harming yourself. I felt so unloved it was my way of feeling something so I could live. It sounds like a theraputic issue. I found it helpful to read about self-harm – a little at a time so that I understood its purpose in my life. The more I dealt with it in therapy, the more I learned and the more I became open to sharing my thoughts and feelings in therapy, eventually the less I needed to self-harm. It does very rarely get intense for a day or two, but I know how to manage those issues now. I hope this is helpful. It truly is something you can manage if you understand its purpose. I feel confident understanding why I resorted to self-harm. It wasn’t a plan. It just happened one day.
We are all so much more capable than we realize because we are all managing this devastating condition. Be proud of what you have done, what you are doing and recognize the courage it is taking to to. Sending my best.
Colleenpatjvj:
It is always good to hear about a positive mindset and the support of a positive, caring technician. It takes a team effort to get through this treatment sometimes. It’s great that the doctor is encouraging positive and warm and fuzzy movies and shows during treatment. It supports the work the TMS is doing in the brain. Thanks for sharing as you proceed through treatment in order to help others. Sending appreciation and support!
ColleenHi loki:
Hug the dog! That is great you have a pet. Yes I was very tired after treatments which would have been fine but I had my treatments at night and I had to drive two hours to threatment and back home. I always had to stop and rest during the return trip. So hang in there. It should be temporary during treatment. It’s worth the inconvenience in the long run! Thanks for posting. Support is an important part of this.
ColleenHello,
Thank for everyone for the posts! Yes colleen loki and mya are the best doggies ever to me! They bring me joy when everything else has failed. I am doing my treatment in Charleston, South Carolina. So my mother and I are about 7 hours away from home in FL. I get to pick my treatment times everyday but because my mother and I are night owls we usually do it in the afternoon. The drive is only about 8 mins so thats great. I am just hoping TMS will change my mood for the better. Such a pain to wake up everyday and be completed not interested in barely anything since I was a young kid. Anyways today was ok, since I am into video games my game I started playing is down for maintance all night so kind of a bad night for me. Well see ya everyone!UPDATE: Next week, I start tapering down to 3 sessions/wk for 3wks or so? And then two weeks of 2 treatments and then done! So like 5 weeks more? I’m just so done with it. I’m tired. I’d be fine if I could “quit” everything else and just get this TMS done with and then go back to doing what I want. I just want to lie around all day and lay on the couch or my bed, or on the floor and just be in comfy clothes/pajamas. I seriously don’t want to actually do much of anything and just get this over with. So far, this week at TMS treatments I have been “meh” and I just try to suck it up and get it over with. I’m not sure how else to do it at this point but I dropped my 8wk online class which sucks but also helps but like argh.
I DON’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING! I JUST WANT TO LAY AROUND THE HOUSE AND DO WHATEVER I PLEASE OR DO “NOTHING”. I’m just tired idek. I also feel like there is this obligation for how I should feel about TMS and when people ask how is TMS or ask how am I doing in general. I’m not great. I’m tired, exhausted, down, lost, bored, tired.
Please, please, help. I appreciate everyone who is active on this site and offering support to others whether or not I have seen your account around or not.
Sincerely Sincere,
-LAJP
lap –
I don’t know about you but I was so tired from treatments, I felt the way you describe. I didn’t notice improvement until treatment ended. May be part of that was the sedating affect I felt after each treatment. I am sorry you had to give up your course; however, if this is best for you right now, give yourself some positives for knowing yourself that well and making that choice. It sounds like nothing seems bright right now. That may not last after treatment so hold on – you have come so far. How many weeks did you go initially for the 5 treatments a week before tapering starts?
ColleenI am near the end and I can’t wait for it to be over. Mainly because of how time consuming it is and energy draining and suche. This coming week is my last week of 3x a week and then two weeks of 2x a week and I will be done! I can’t wait. I don’t know what to expect following that though. But I can see the finish line. The end of all the treatments. I’m not expecting to somehow feel amazing overnight but yeah. What was it like after having your final sessions?
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