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[Background: I have MDD (unipolar depression), and anxiety. Staying on meds and seeing my therapist.]
I know only 9 days of treatment is very early, but I need somewhere to unload. I don’t know a soul who has had this treatment, much less know hardly anyone who has heard of TMS. I am scared to post about this in depression forums/FB groups because I know someone will chime in saying TMS didn’t work for them and I don’t like reading those things.
That being said, I am concluding weekend #4,586 of not doing a damn thing. Lying around, not taking care of my hygiene, eating poorly/eating too much/not eating, sleeping too much, and isolating myself. I don’t even want to venture outside until I actually have to tomorrow morning. When I force things I don’t feel better most of the time, the anhedonia is so bad.
I initially had a positive attitude during treatment days 1-3 because it was something new and a routine was being introduced. But I just fell backwards again. I had to have a remapping last Wednesday (day 7) because the left side treatment was causing a tremor in my right hand during the pulses, so they tried doing it from the right side. However, that activated an existent trigger point problem in my neck and caused pain. The psychiatrist recommended that I go to a different chair (one that had “less static”) and she re-calibrated everything. I am receiving treatment again on the left side. She is very kind and explained to me how excitable my neurons are, and it’s a challenge because they want to flood my brain with energy but she doesn’t want me getting over-activated.
All that being said, I don’t think this thing is going to work out because I feel like I’m “too far gone” and I have a bad attitude. I don’t have a support system like probably most of you, and I think I’m just going to rot away in this apartment in this sort of “purgatory” for the next 30 years until it’s time for the nursing home. The consultant, techs, and psychiatrist at the office I go to have all said I’m going to feel better, but I don’t believe them. I don’t think this is alone is going to pull me out of this hell, but I don’t have the wherewithal to do things that could move it along. I’m tired. I know this is the filter of depression distorting all of my thoughts, but I can’t help it.Hi fitz81:
I am sorry for the challenges with MDD you face each moment right now. It does seem endless and that life will never be different. As a patient with MDD and one who received TMS, I can tell you that you are not alone – not alone in your suffering and not alone in not having a support system outside your doctor’s office. There is a community of us who have similar experiences.
With that said, TMS is a medical treatment and the road you travel in the next several weeks receiving treatment can have its challenges. However, if this treatment is successful, you will walk out of this darkness. If your treatment provides 100% remission or even a 30 – 50% lift, with (many times) a smaller amount of medication support, life can be lived with optimism and possibilities, energy and engagement. It can be a roller coaster ride as your brain adjusts to the treatment and starts to reactivate. It takes some time, but when this happens, small consistent changes occur over several months which brings you to a better place. It sounds like you have a positive experience with your doctor and that is a plus. I know it may be difficult but it is helpful if you could make one small positive change in your life daily – maybe just take a 5 minute walk, drink one additional glass of water in a day, eat an apple once a day – something that will be healthy for you. You and your TMS treatments are partners in achieving your goal of improving your brain health – just like you would do for any other physical issue like heart disease, etc. You are important, and you are not ascribed a life to doom. It is a matter of finding what treatment works for you. There is constant research and new treatments being developed on a continuum since the brain initiative had been launched several years ago. Check this site out so you can see options and advances in TMS.
https://www.bbrfoundation.org/event/whats-new-tms-depression-and-other-brain-diseases
Stay connected here and let us know how you are doing.
Sending my best.
ColleenHi Fitz81. I have no credentials, only knowledge of living with a spouse with severe depression, now a 20-year-old son suffering the same. I almost lost my son to depression in January, and the past few months have been frightening. But, there are a few things I can say, simply out of experience.
First, the fact that you are still fighting and looking for help is huge. You are still in the game … bravo!! Please don’t take that lightly, you are strong enough to endure and get through it.
Second, I truly believe in TMS. My son has only received two sessions so far, so again, I don’t have a lot to go on; however, give it more time. Don’t beat yourself up for needing to isolate yourself, that will change once you begin to feel better. For now focus on going to work and getting treatment. Nothing else really needs to matter for the time being. Not until you’re feeling better. Even if you’re at the end of your treatment sessions and you are still not feeling a change, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a success. Some start feeling the affects once treatment is finished. Worst case scenerio, you don’t get a lot of relief … there are still options.
Please don’t give up hope. Relief is out there, keep on fighting.
savingmyson:
Does the doctor administer multiple treatments in a day? It might be something to talk with the doctor about as research is now showing a difference in outcomes with depression and suicidal ideation with some patients. Multiple treatments in a day worked for my suicidal ideation when single treatments per day did put my depression in remission. I know it sounds unlikely but these methods have changed and saved my life. Also, research is again showing that in some patients single treatments per day did not work on their MDD but multiple treatments did.
Might be worth a conversation with your doctor.
Sending positive thoughts.Thanks to both of you but this isn’t working. I feel like a fool for believing these doctors. I don’t have any other treatment options. I feel like I’m just a waste of space and I’m only living for other people.
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