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Posts
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INTRO
I thought i’d create this thread to document my journey of another 36 sessions of TMS after the initial 36 for anyone that is doing the same or wants to try it. I haven’t seen many posts about people that have tried a second time and i think it’s important to have some insight on what another 36 sessions causes because it’s scary not knowing what you’re getting into. I’ll label each post by what session i’m at so it’s easy to find what you’re looking for and i’ll also post a summary of my initial experience with TMS. I’m doing left and right side stimulation with a neurostar machine. feel free to comment your experience or any questions!ABOUT ME
I’m a 17 year old girl that’s been suffering from MDD for the last 6 years. My diagnoses are MDD that’s treatment resistant, anxiety, minor PTSD, and chronic fatigue. i’m about to do a sleep study to determine if i have DSPD. I’ve tried 3 different anti depressants but have never been able to get to the therapeutic dose due to side effects. i’m currently on vyvanse to help with the fatigue. At the end of my first 36 sessions I had to drop out of school because i physically couldn’t get up in the morning and make it through a full day, but that was not because of the TMS. We thought the TMS would help that but it didn’t so i had to drop out. i used to self harm and have attempted suicide twice. My depression is mostly due to a chemical imbalance and not situational.SUMMARY OF FIRST 36 SESSIONS
The first day I did TMS I felt completely better with no fatigue and a lot of energy. I hadn’t felt that way since sixth grade and haven’t felt that way since. I was back to normal the next day and steady for about a week. The second week i hit the dip period and completely crashed below what i thought was rock bottom. I was suicidal and completely hopeless. I wasn’t warned by my facility about the dip period because i guess it’s not an official side effect, so i didn’t know what was going on. It lasted until the middle of week 5 and then i started feeling better. I felt better than i normally do but not a significant change. Then week 6 and my last few sessions i went right back to how i was before i started TMS. the psychiatrist that works at the place i go said that (and i don’t know how accurate these stats are but he said he’s been working on TMS for 12 years) about 70% of people feel better after 36 sessions. Of the 30% that don’t, 70% of them that did another 36 felt better. Basically he said some people just need more sessions and since i reacted to the TMS he believed another 36 would really help. My insurance wouldn’t cover it cause i’m a minor but he said he’s gotten minors covered before and he’d help us. It took two months but i got approved and just started another 36.WEEK 1 (on session 7)
I just finished session 7 of my second round. At the start, it hurt almost as bad as the first time i did it but got better again. I’ve always had a score of around 27 and that kept pretty consistent. I didn’t feel anything weird until yesterday night. I’m not sure if it was the TMS but while i was at dinner out of nowhere i just felt super dizzy, out of it, my head was heavy and i couldn’t talk. When i finally got home i had a huge breakdown and started sobbing and shaking til 2 am. I just wanted to die. It was horrible and felt like i was mourning my own death. I thought i’d feel better in the morning but when i woke up i felt that same burden of grief and heaviness. When i went to my session the technician noticed that something was really wrong and got really concerned. My medicine kicked in after a bit so i felt better, but still a lot worse than my default. Then in the car i felt the same way i did last night and have been feeling that way since. I wonder if i’m experiencing an early dip period? I’m hoping it goes away by tomorrow but as of right now I feel completely empty and lost. If anyone else has done another 36 sessions of TMS i’d appreciate some insight. This is really scary for me but i’d do anything to have my life back, so i’m praying this works.SESSION 7 UPDATE
Something weird happened after i posted yesterday. I still felt pretty bad but for some reason i subconsciously started doing work and getting stuff done. It was a miracle. I remember sitting at my computer thinking “is this actually happening? am i actually doing work?” and, shockingly, i was. I started feeling like myself yesterday even if it was a little bit and lasted a few hours. it was amazing and i couldn’t be more grateful. i’m not sure if it was the TMS or maybe the pomegranate juice i was drinking but it was a difference.WEEK 2 (SESSION 8)
I woke up today feeling how i normally do but that’s most likely because i pulled an all nighter lol. Treatment was normal and still feels like someone’s punching a bruise but it’s tolerable. The neurologist i met with yesterday ordered a blood test and an EEG to be done since i mentioned my delta brain waves are off. I’m lucky cause the place that does the TMS also does the EEG and neurologist and stuff. i’m feeling pretty good today (by good i mean a little worse than neutral). It’s much better than my baseline. I’m trying to get more sun and drink pomegranate juice (i drink the Pom brand) to increase my anxtioxidents and vitamins. i’m not sure if it’s a combination of this and the TMS that’s making me feel better but i really feel good. I’m still pretty fatigued but the majority of the grief and dread is gone. I don’t wanna jynx it so i’m not gonna start praying to Neurostar but i’m hopeful that this could be it. i’ll be meeting with the psychiatrist next week so hopefully he has a treatment for the fatigue. If anything else significant changes today i’ll post another update on it. i want this to be as detailed as possible because i know that’s what i was looking for when i was searching through these forums.At Fatigued and depressed, it’s good to hear your experience. I’ve been depressed with the most severe anxiety ever at 40 years old, that required Valium which isn’t helping depression or poor memory issues from depression. I trialed several antidepressants and all classes of meds that exacerbated my involuntary movement disorder, some landing me in the ER. I even tried Ketamine which was awful (more agitated & suicidal) I’m on Neurostar #18! First 9 days were on upswing felt joy, some organizational skills coming back, then took a vacation. After returning it started causing major insomnia, even though I was having memories returning and functioning. They switched protocol to higher anxiety pulses this week & insomnia protocol and now I’m cloudy, irritable, and back to uncontrollable crying. Early morning waking at 3:30am, but insomnia resolved. I so want to get better for my 3 boys. I’ve always been high functioning so it’s tough place to be. I’m hoping this works for both of us. I’m hoping to get off Valium with TMS!
hi junebeatle!
it sounds like you may be in the dip period. i experiences this around my second week of treatment and it lasted about 2 weeks. it was horrible and scary and very similar to what you’re describing. it’ll get better, just hang in there! i hope this works for you!WEEK 2 (session 10)
I finished my tenth session today and i’m back at my baseline again. I don’t feel any worse or any better. My EEG was done yesterday so hopefully that provides some insight into what’s wrong with me. Will update if anything changes!@fatiguedandepressed How are you doing at this juncture? I’m going into #24 still not feeling relief yet, but crying has been lessening since they changed my protocol to left side past 3 days. I still keep thinking I wish my suicide attempt last November was successful, so then I know i’m not on the other side. It’s hard to accept how much my intelligence & body have changed from 2018 compared to my high functioning. I hate being on Valium too! I was hoping TMS would correct all this and bring me back to 2017 Jaimie. I might consider a 2nd round since I know medications were not tolerable due to my movements & Ketamine was a bust! I have 3 great boys I keep fighting for.
hi junebeatle,
yes keep fighting for them because it will get better! i’m actually feeling amazing. the past two weeks i’ve felt a lot better and more like myself again. i get what you mean about the 2017 version of you. i’d do anything to have the old me back and i’m starting to think she’s coming soon. i’ve slowly been noticing my thinking process is changing and i don’t feel hopeless anymore. i don’t know if it’s the TMS or something else, but somethings working! another 36 sessions might reall make a difference if you have the opportunity to do it. keep me posted!WEEK 3
I didn’t have time to write an update about week 3 but i’ll try to remember it as best as i can. I started feeling better around the end of week 2, and by the middle of week 3 i felt good. I’ve been noticing some of my old mannerisms coming back and my old hobbies seem a bit fun again. The underlying feeling of hopelessness was slowly fading away. i’m still not sure if it’s TMS doing this but i’m not complaining! some other things i changed that it could be are i went off my birth control, i’ve been taking multi vitamins and folic acid regularly, and i’ve been drinking a cup of pom every day.WEEK 4 (session 15)
I’m actually feeling really good compared to my usual baseline mood. i’m able to be sad without letting it knock me down, i’ve been getting lots of work done, and i don’t wake up with a feeling of dread anymore. i still feel fatigued but it doesn’t feel impossible to function. today i did school work for 4 hours and i still have some energy left. it feels like something lit a fire of joy in me and it’s slowly (very slowly) burning bigger and bigger everyday. i pray to God that it doesn’t go away and that TMS is working.@fatiguedanddepressed, I’m so happy your feeling yourself recover! That’s awesome to hear & inspiring. May I ask what protocol they are using for you? How many minutes? They’ve changed mine up a few times during treatment. I’m now doing left side MDD, right side for anxiety, and orbital frontal for OCD. My nerves are kinda burning all over recently (remember I have that weird neuromuscular issue that is related to what occurred during that severe breakdown in 2018) I’ve had increased functioning, but not moods or sleep yet! I’m assuming you tried medications too. My counselor keeps telling me to hang in there. She said she’s noticed a difference in me. This has been a tough process with emotions all
over the place, then recently I’ve had increased anger in highly emotional instances with my family. My youngest is a very tough special needs son who destroys everything and is very aggressive. A lot for me to deal with in my state! At least I’m not on the couch crying from Valium all day repeating myself “why did this happen to me”, “how to I get back”, “suicide is the only answer because these doctors can’t figure out how to help me”. I’m not joyful YET! Small moments of them, but doesn’t last.hey junebeatle!
i’m not positive, but i think i’m currently doing a little under 20 min left side stimulation and then 10 right side. i tried medications and i’ve never been able to get to the therapeutic dose because the side effects are so horrible! i’ve noticed that i’ve been more irritable lately but i think that’s just my brain getting used to processing emotions again instead of just feeling sad all the time. the increased functioning is the first thing i felt before feeling better! i was still feeling tired and depressed but it was like my body was acting on its own and getting things done. the next week my mood seemed to get better and i didn’t cry once or have any breakdown! i’ve been feeling really good since that intitial increase in functioning. i am so sorry you’re dealing with so much while you’re going through your own internal battle. my brother is special needs and used to be very aggressive when we were younger which i think was the cause of most of my anxiety and minor PTSD. he’s 18 now and about to move away for college which we never would’ve expected in a million years. miracles do happen! i think you’re so close to feeling like yourself again at least a little bit. the small moments turn into bigger moments and the bigger moments turn into an underlying feeling of hope. i’ll be praying for you and your family every night. keep me posted!!WEEK 5 (session 21)
It’s crazy to think i’m almost done with my second round of TMS! I’m sorry for not posting as frequently as i’d like to but i’ve been working hard and doing a set much as i can while i feel good. My mood has been improving as the weeks have gone by. Today i was up and feeling fine without too much fatigue. I feel slightly energized. I’m hoping it continues getting better!Great news! Hope you continue to feel improvements and feel good.
thank you Deb!
@fatiguedanddepressed I’m glad things are going well for you. I’m not sure which direction I’m going, crying is less this past week. I still have moments of suicidal thoughts out of the blue. I’m functioning better, but nothing like my old self or even as well as last summer when this all started. At least I could read & comprehend books, make Paleo meals for me & kids, still laughing sometimes (although anxiety, depression, and these neuromuscular issues were taking me down) My doctor extended treatment for another 5 weeks 2x per week. They are doing almost an hour on me OCD, MDD, and anxiety. I’m disappointed I may have to stay on Valium for my movements at 10mg per night because I already have significantly impaired memory and that medication is no joke. I feel so fatigued all the time now, I don’t know if it’s Valium, treatments, or my neuromuscular issues. I just know if this is better I’m screwed because I cannot live like this either. I was hoping to return to work one day as a registered dietitian, but my new aspiration is buying a couch to lay on all day until my kids get home from school, that’s no way to live! My counselor says she sees changes all I did was repeat myself & talk about suicide because no one could treat me due to medications flaring
my movements. Now I talk about parenting & other challenges. I was hoping to be happy again, have creativity back, ambition, motivation, etc. Really to have my body work too, so I could enjoy exercise like I used to. Here’s hoping to more improvements than I’m feeling. Did you have memory difficulty? Has TMS helped that? That’s really hard to live with as a mom to 3 boys and benzodiazepines don’t help memory for sure. Everyone’s like a “new” normal, you live in this tortured body & mind, let’s see how you do? Sorry for venting…just want back! Way more than this…
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