Profile for User: Buddy

I just wanted to add something since we are talking about the cognitive aspect of this disorder. And this may apply more to me than other people but, I think understanding the concept is helpful.

I struggle with feelings of guilt, a lot. I’m a hardcore drug addict, a poly-drug addict actually. I’ve been clean for many years, but 15 years ago (I’m stealing the following line but I can’t remember from where) I was as pitiable a soul as you could ever meet. I have had relapses. I deal with a lot of very dark stuff from my childhood. Extreme physical abuse. Fortunately for me and the rest of the kids there, it wasn’t sexual. But as a 5 year old, I saw more violence than many people see in their entire life. Extreme violence. The first (first!) fight I saw in which one person tried to stab the other, I was 5. And I was standing 8 ft away as the mother (my babysitter) pulled out a huge screwdriver and tried to stab her son, several times. Unsuccessfully thank goodness, but he ran out the door, she threw a vase at him that smashed on the wall, she then kicked me down the steps. Which wasn’t surprising, that was a regular occurrence. I don’t know how a person, ANY person, can kick a child down their stone stairs and watch them “pinball” off the walls. But I’m sure you can imagine, if this woman was willing to stab her own son, how she treated the rest of us. It was a terrible place to be, and unfortunately, I was there for a long time. I saw many things that I will never get to “unsee.” I’m not blaming my later drug use on that period of time, but I’m sure it didn’t help. However, I’m also sure it could have been worse.

Anyway, feelings of guilt…or when I think of things from “the babysitter’s” we can often try to put it out of our head. Or with FMS, I have pain daily….you just try to put it out of your head. But as many of us have found, even though we are trying, we aren’t successful.

The White Bears Study is extremely helpful with this. This is not the actual study, it explains the study and comments on the results. I feel it’s more pertinent. I’m sure you can google the original. But this is pretty thorough

http://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/10/unwanted-thoughts.aspx

Here is an excerpt from the above page that explains what I’m talking about in a nutshell. But I encourage everyone to read that page. The results will amaze you….

“”Try to pose for yourself this task: not to think of a polar bear….

Don’t think about a Polar Bear

Think of anything else…

and you will see that the cursed thing will come to mind every minute.”
That observation comes from “Winter Notes on Summer Impressions,” Fyodor Dostoevsky’s 1863 account of his travels in Western Europe. But the research that proved it true came more than a century later, from the lab of social psychologist Daniel Wegner, PhD.
Wegner, a psychology professor at Harvard University and the founding father of thought suppression research, first came across the quote more than 25 years ago.
“I was really taken with it,” he said in a talk at APA’s 2011 Annual Convention. “It seemed so true.”
He decided to test the quote’s assumption with a simple experiment: He asked participants to verbalize their stream of consciousness for five minutes, while trying not to think of a white bear. If a white bear came to mind, he told them, they should ring a bell. Despite the explicit instructions to avoid it, the participants thought of a white bear more than once per minute, on average.”

Thought suppression is a tricky thing. The more you tell yourself NOT to think of something, the more you think about it. So I tell myself every day, the pain isn’t that bad. Don’t think about the pain etc. It doesn’t work. The harder you try NOT to think about it, the more you will think about it.

My therapist taught me this trick (as you will see, I highly recommend seeing a licensed Therapist). When I want to stop thinking something…I ACTUALLY let myself think it. Seems counterintuitive no? Indeed it does, but it works. The secret is to let your self think it. Don’t beat yourself up about it, don’t try and stop it. But you must do two things. 1. You must realize that the thought is just like I mentioned above. It’s the race track that your brain loves to drive, because your brain is not healthy right now. It has no bearing on you as a person. 2. You must change your activity, location or something. Your brain will follow your body. If your body changes activities, or you put it in motion, or move to another room, or get the mail, ANYTHING. The thought will dissipate in about 12 seconds. And due to the new stimuli, whatever that is, it will tend to pick up a new thought.

Most people’s brains can only concentrate hard on a thought for 12 seconds before the brain will shuffle and switch gears. Your brain CAN stay on the same topic…we learn how to do that in school. What we are doing now though, is taking advantage of the brains natural inclination to process/drop …process/drop.

So if the thought comes up, pay it no mind. Yes, you know it’s there, you know it’s happening, you know you don’t want it to. The best way to stop it is to just allow it, and put your body in motion. The brain will follow the body. The thoughts tend to dissipate very quickly. But you have to learn to acknowledge they are there, and not feel guilty about it.

It’s exactly like the white bear study above. The more I tell you not to think about a white bear, the more you are going to think about it. It’s the same with thoughts. The harder you try NOT to think about something, the more you will think about it. You are almost literally telling yourself, “Don’t think about a white bear, don’t think about a white bear.” The more you do that, the more you will think about white bears.

It’s very similar to falling asleep. The more you TRY to fall asleep, the harder it becomes.

The brain is very smart, and the control center of the entire body. However, it is PART, of a larger system, that must answer to the other parts. So we can use a little body “judo” to make the brain switch gears.

Think about it….trying to make the brain switch gears by reasoning with it as to why we should not be thinking what we are thinking…you are trying to use your brain, to try to defeat your brain. All that is happening now is you are SUPER thinking about whatever it is you don’t want to think about. Use your body, to defeat your brain.

Keep-hoping,

What you are describing is the comparing phenomenon…I think you see that now.

If it helps at all, my progress has all been in bursts. But I describe it that way, because I don’t notice anything for a while, and then one day I wake up and notice that I feel differently.

But the fact that I’m describing it that way may be misleading to you. I didn’t wake up after the first treatment and feel cured. I felt “different.” My vision was different, my hearing, music etc. It was a noticeable change, but that type of change only happened once. I didn’t seem as anxious, but I’m really not sure. I noticed I wasn’t thinking about dying that day….

After the 7th treatment, I noticed I felt a little happier. But “happier” (I’m realizing this as I think about it) doesn’t mean the same thing to me as it may to you. You may imagine I was smiling and full of joy. No, I just noticed that things that bothered me before, I wasn’t thinking about as much (the fact that I can’t work, how much I hate these seizure pills etc) So, it’s an increase in my overall level of happiness, and from where I was, it feels dramatic, even though it’s incremental.

After #16 my wife said I started talking a bit more, after #20 (I think) I myself realized I was looking people in the eye more.

The point is, if I compare my progress with some other people, I could get discouraged. I’m almost done…there are many people who are outpacing me with progress with TMS. But that has nothing to do with me. It’s not really any different than if I tell you Wellbutrin XL 300mg a day was a life saver for me, almost immediately (I can’t take it now bc of the epilepsy). Assuming it works for you, it’s unreasonable to expect that you would respond just as quickly. Your brain has it’s own stuff going on, it works at it’s own pace…not the pace of other people.

Like I mentioned, you are worrying yourself into a lather, over something that hasn’t even happened yet, and very well may never happen. Why punish yourself like that? I’m sure your life is filled with plenty of real time stuff to worry about. Carrying extra burdens is just going to make things even harder on you.

There are 3 things that have really had an impact during my 12 years or so of depression. Wellbutrin, Talk Therapy, and TMS. Wellbutrin is different for everyone. TMS is different for everyone. But I’ve never met anyone who didn’t benefit from talk therapy. Seeing everything through this cloud of depression, we miss a lot. That trained 2nd party is immensely helpful in pointing out areas where our thought patterns betray us.

Hopefully this course of TMS will do it’s thing. When it does, you will look back on these posts and see exactly how much unnecessary pain, and worry you are just dumping onto yourself. You’re sick, you are trying your best. The last statistics I read said that 1/3 of TMS patients go into complete remission (from depression). 1/3 experience temporary relief and need more treatments. 1/3 don’t experience anything at all.

You are worried you are in that last 3rd. However, EVEN IF, you end up being in that 1/3, the next time you do it, you start over again. Very few people will NEVER respond to the treatment. Like I said, you have time, you have options.

But your depressed brain is just looking for something negative and scary to latch onto. That is where it feels most comfortable, because it’s well practiced. So it will skip over the good, and attach to the negative, so that it can run it’s favorite patters in your head. Remember I mentioned the cloud of depression through which we perceive everything? That cloud, often functions like a filter, blocking the good,joyful,happy but anything at all negative, your brain is like “Come on in, you’re the next contestant on “I’m a shitty person!” Then you start to think “Nothing will ever help, I’m a bad person, I’m trapped, I’m helpless.” None of that is true. Your brain is, quite literally, picking and choosing what it wants to see/think about, but in the depressed state, it only sees the bad. I’ve experienced it twice…depression “remission” I guess you would call it. Both time, when I looked back on what I was thinking a couple months before the relief, I realized that ALL of my thinking during that time…was wrong! Factually, perceptively, mentally, emotionally…all of it. Everything i though during those really dark times…wasn’t even close to accurate.

You must learn to distinguish the difference between “I am” and “I feel.” Because the things that you ARE, are probably mostly positive. What you FEEL right now, is mostly negative. “I’m a terrible person” < highly unlikely. “I’m helpless” < with very few exceptions, probably not. “Nothing will ever help!” <there is no way for you to even know that. “I’m trapped” < almost never is this the case. You feel trapped (and all the above) because you are creating barriers. You have put yourself in a little box, with walls that you have created in your head. Of course you feel trapped. I’ll give you an example. I had to stop working altogether bc of the Fibro, CFS, and seizures. I’m a 37 yo man. I look young, strong and healthy. But during that period, I would swear to you I was trapped. What am I doing to do? I can’t work anymore, I’v been trying and failing hard for 7 years. Oh me oh my, what is a man to do? I was stuck. The world was ending. A therapist helped me to realize how epically stupid I was being. I sold my biz for $90K. We budgeted a little tighter and we were fine.

But I was trapped….nope. I wasn’t. I FELT trapped. And because I FELT trapped, that rolled into, “I AM trapped.” When one is running around like Chicken Little yelling “They sky is falling, the sky is falling” they generally aren’t thinking clearly, or looking around to see what is ACTUALLY happening. It’s like our brain becomes this fantasy land, in that, nothing in it is real. You most likely are not, any of the things you are thinking. You FEEL that way. Learning how to separate the two will go a long way into helping you make progress.

Depressed people are often told that they can’t control it. That’s a fallacy, and often makes people feel helpless. It takes all your power away, to hear that it’s not something you can help. I understand what the people mean, but the wording isn’t right. What depressed people should be told is that it isn’t their fault, they didn’t choose this. And holy cow are they not alone. But they CAN influence (mildly control) some aspects of it. And often times, just that little bit, can make a huge difference.

You ever hear the expression (or use it like me lol) “I can’t turn my brain off?” It’s because their is a race track in your head, that your brain LOVES to drive. It LOVES it, craves it…it actually seeks it out. Your depressed brain, every day, is actually looking for a vehicle to drive on it’s favorite little race track in your head. “I forgot to pay a bill,” “I forgot to give my kid lunch money,” “I missed a dr. app.”

Any of that…your brain picks it up, and vroom vroom, the negativity race in your head begins. Often times running all day, and all night. Till that vehicle is out of gas, and it grabs another one. Or maybe it sees a vehicle it likes better. So it will drive that one till it’s out of gas. Sometimes, it’s several vehicles at once.

No matter what outside aids we use, be it TMS, or meds, we have to learn a couple key things. 1. We have to stop letting our depressed brain pick what vehicles to drive around in our head. 2. We have to pave different tracks (thought patterns, I’m getting a little deep in the analogy lol) The old ones are ugly, full of traffic and noise. We can build new ones, we’ve just never thought about it.

Visualizing the above can actually be quite helpful. You have a favorite car/bike etc? If not, find one. Also you need a car that you hate. You have a favorite type of road/travel experience. Also a least favorite.

Every time a negative thought happens and your brain wants to take it and run, give it a good thought, imagine the nice new roads it will travel. The stops it will make, the scenery. And every time you do that, you reinforce that new road (thought process lol) Some people like to have a list of different cars they drive for different reason. E.g. My daughter told me she loved me…that’s a VW beetle type of ride (if your a woman. If your a man, step out of the car immediately lol.) Or my husband told me I’m attractive/cute, that’s more of an expensive Mercedes kind of thought. Just have fun with it.

Don’t forget your seat belt.

I don’t know how helpful this is, but I have experienced the dip too. For me though, the progress seems to come in fits and starts. After the first day, I noticed my vision was different (brighter, clearer, more vivid) and my hearing was a lil different. That progress held for a week, then the next week I didn’t notice anything. But then Friday of that week, I woke up, and I felt “different” again.

So for me, it’s been 10 days (today)….the progress I noticed, just “happened” on two separate mornings, Day 2 and 10 (so, after the first treatment, and the 9th). In the middle, I did notice a dip, sort of like many people are describing. My place uses a Neurostar machine, which is supposed to be pretty good. I have no idea if that has anything to do with it.

However, I would try to keep it positive. Just by coincidence, I asked the doctor today about my progress being in fits and starts, and she said everyone is different. Some people will be like me, some people will progress slow and sure, some won’t notice anything until week 5.

If it helps at all…think about what it happening. They are sending an electrical pulse, to stimulate a specific part of the brain. The electrical part doesn’t fail. Did they do the mapping with the finger movements? If so, you saw that the electricity is going through to the brain. The area is unlikely not to respond to the stimulation. However, the mapping can be “off”, or the stimulation pattern/strength just not right for you. Which they can adjust. Just be patient, and talk to your practitioner.

Medicines need uptake. If you lack certain enzymes genetically, you can’t process them well…hence a lot of people don’t respond well to many. I had some testing done to see what meds I can theoretically metabolize well/poorly, and I had a ton of meds, that I supposedly can’t metabolize. It’s anecdotal, but most of those meds, true to the report, didn’t work for me. Electricity, works on everyone, no one is immune to it. If you think your immune to electricity, you are wrong. It’s how many of your body’s functions are carried out. If you were immune to electricity, you would also be dead. So, that is probably not the case.

Your body is going to receive the stimulation. If you are still concerned by week 5, maybe start asking the serious questions. But my progress has been seemingly random, and I’ve also noticed the “fading” feeling. Like I’ve noticed in quite a few posts on this site, it also caused me some concern. Before this treatment, I was in a bad way. About as bad as it gets. So, I understand how much hope we put into this therapy. A lot of us feel like this is our last shot, I know I did. When we are feeling like that, it’s so easy to analyze every hour of everyday…because we are afraid it may not be working. And I totally get that.

But if you read what I posted above about how it works (it’s a very basic explanation) you’ll see that the likelihood that this treatment will be a total failure for you is low. Some adjustments may be needed, but unless you are immune to electricity (ergo – dead) I would not adopt the view that it doesn’t work for you…or that it will never work for you. Your treatment time, level etc will probably just be different than other people.

Try not to worry, talk to your doc about any concerns and they may make adjustments. One thing I noticed as well, is that just doing the treatments every day takes a toll on me. Getting up, driving there, doing it, driving back. I feel mentally/emotionally better, but absolutely wiped out. That part of it will go away once treatment is over, and I’ve read from other people that it wasn’t until treatment was over, that they started to feel it, possibly because the stress of actually doing the treatment was gone. So many factors involved that you can’t really know anything for certain right now. Hope this helps a little.