Profile for User: claire

Gandolfication- this is just something I wonder about with everyone in general (and I hope this does not come across as offensive b/c I do not mean it to be.) Do you think it’s possible that at times you’re “too smart” to be in your own head? I mean if a person is obviously very intelligent and focused and in touch with his or her thoughts/feelings/afflictions (as you are,) that will work towards recovery but too much can AT TIMES be detrimental too. For example, I was working with a patient several years ago teaching her to do CBT where she wrote down her negative thoughts and then wrote the distortion and then the positive counter thought. The next week she came in with dozens and dozens of negative thoughts, so many that the CBT clearly backfired. She had almost indulged in negative thinking. She was thriving on it but in a bad way. It’s hard to describe but it made me realize that even the most well-intentioned therapies can be overdone. I know I’ve tried to do all the “fixing” of myself that I can only to discover I was driving myself mad. I’ve learned to see depression as the common cold of mental illness- there is no cure for a cold- you can only treat its unpleasant symptoms. I realized that basically I was trying to rationalize an irrational illness. We know what needs to be done for depression- we do all the right things and they should ideally be working. And yet we still suffer from depression- we still don’t feel good, we feel bad. It’s frustrating. Do you think it’s possible that you are too hard on yourself- trying to “cure” this affliction by reasoning through the logistics all the time? I guess my suggestion is maybe just take a small break from it- like a day- and “get out of your head.” Try doing something mindless and silly- watch a funny movie or do something just for simple pleasure. Something that does not involve trying to solve the problem (or puzzle) of depression. I’m not discounting all that everyone has previously posted about accepting and all b/c all that is good stuff and I totally agree with everyone and everything already said. You are all right on. I just think sometimes it’s beneficial to (for lack of a better phrase) “get out of your head” every now and then. I hope this comes across the way I’m intending it to- I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. In fact, you are doing everything right. But doing this all the time can be exhausting. I read once that people who are intelligent and creative need to have an outlet for that intelligent creative energy and when they don’t have an adequate outlet it can cause anxiety and, I’m sure also, depression. Maybe you are channeling all your energy into curing yourself and it’s exhausting so you must cut yourself a break??? Not trying to judge- you know yourself well enough to decide on your own. I just know from experience that I sometimes get lost in my head and that can be bad at times. Just bringing it up in hopes that it helps… 🙂

Thank you, Colleen, for the reference- I will check out. I have heard lots of positive things about the NAMI meetings. I have never attended but would like to for sure.

Greg- I too have to live on pain meds. Initially they were necessary for the pain but have since become necessary just to function, though not happily, since I believe they are the worst possible thing for an already depressed mood. I’ve noticed a direct correlation between my intake of pain pills and my depressed mood/subsequent suicidal thoughts. Many times I’ve had to remind myself that it was the medication causing the dark and scary feelings. Opiates and especially benzodiazepines can “trick” my mind into really believing in the validity of those thoughts and I’ve gotten very scared at times. I’ve mentioned before how powerful the mind can be when left alone to its own devices and certain meds can act sort of like steroids getting that deviant mind all revved up… For me the only thing worse than my idle mind is my idle mind on painkillers! It becomes a breeding ground for negative self talk that leads to negative thoughts that lead to negative feelings that lead to possibly negative actions/behavior. I just wish I could find an effective way to deal with the obsessing in my head. It feels like I’m going insane and even becomes physically painful- not just emotionally agonizing. It’s not so much my own negative thoughts as it is my mind replaying the negative things others have said to me or about me or what I’ve perceived them to have said about me that bothers me. I can’t seem to let go of those things and it just sends my already low self-esteem plummeting even further. Don’t know how to help myself there…? That’s one reason I guess I wouldn’t mind having some memory loss from ECT! ;-/ …Anyway, I am glad you mentioned Sam-E cause I’ve wanted to try that. My doctor also wants me to get a light lamp. I thought sitting in the sun would be enough but apparently not.

Greg- my heart goes out to you for having to live in chronic pain and deal with spinal cord surgeries. I’ve read about how painful that is and yes, it will certainly contribute to depression in a major way. Living in pain definitely takes a toll on a person but I think the worst part is all the pain meds they give people in pain. For me those have been like poison in my depressed brain. I’m so glad your TMS treatments have helped you. Do you think they help any with the physical pain- directly or indirectly?

PS- I wasn’t trying to sound all preachy about the depression but rather I get all excited when I feel like the lightbulb goes off above my head and I feel like I’ve learned something new so like to share it aloud…so really it’s more for my own benefit that I put thoughts out there. I don’t mean to insult anyone’s intelligence or talk down to anyone by telling them what to do. I find myself many times marinating in negative thoughts so also want to help others who may be suffering from the same problem. I wasn’t aiming at anyone but rather trying to add to the discussion… It would be cool to compile other people’s thoughts as well to provide any kind of enlightenment on how to cope with and fight depression. I learn so much from other people so I’m always grateful for any useful tools.

greg-
Thank you for sharing about your situation. Though I am sorry you are dealing with depression, it does help to hear from others who also suffer. I certainly hope the TMS treatments go well for you so please keep us posted. Yes I think this forum is a great place to share and support (if the TMS folks don’t mind us using their site for that…?) I admit that ECT frightens me too. However, before my pancreas surgeries forced me to have to give up my job, I worked as a nurse in a psych hospital and spent some shifts in the ECT lab so I got to watch it done and talk to some of the patients as well as the staff. From what I saw and gathered it was a very successful treatment for the depressed patients. It was not scary. If you’ve never seen it done, it is not at all like what you see in the movies. As you already know you are sedated (mildly- you wake right up within a few mins) and the whole thing takes less than five minutes. Your big toe twitches and your face gets a little flushed and that’s about it. The reports I got were that it was effective and helpful. I never heard anything bad about it. I asked the docs and nurses who had been doing it for years and they said people come in regularly for maintenance treatments but did not report any negative side effects- no brain damage or significant memory loss. I now see ECT sort of like cardioversion- if your heart has an abnormal rhythm you would have a cardiologist “shock” your heart with electricity to get it back to beating normally. It is easy, safe and can be done as an outpatient. With the chemically imbalanced depressed brain, it is basically not handling the serotonin et al production properly so electricity is used to reset the brain’s functioning. (This is just my own simplification of ECT in an effort to reduce the creepy scary dangerous factor in case I ever do it!) As for TMS, this psych hosp also did treatments and studies with it too. I took part in a paid study one time to see if TMS would help my pancreatitis pain. It was hard to tell if it did but I figured as long as I was doing it maybe it would also help my depression. Again it was hard to tell if it did but I didn’t feel any happier after doing it. But I also did not have nearly as many treatments as seems to be necessary- certainly not 20. I seem to remember having just a handful.

gandolfication-
I could relate to all you mentioned except for the quantum physics! ha ha. I’ve also tried every medication known to man several times and I’ve been deemed “treatment resistant.” (20 years ago they helped but no more.) I too would like to write about my experience with depression if nothing more than to just chronicle what all I’ve learned from it. And maybe to find some humor in it too- they say out of pain can come humor and I’ve always thought laughter is the best medicine. I’d also like to work with or help others who suffer with it- doing that usually helps me as much as it does them, if not more so. I agree with you when you mentioned something about getting outside your head. That is the worst thing a depressed person can do is stay trapped all alone inside his or her head obsessing about negative stuff or engaging in negative self talk/ negative thoughts. I am so guilty of that! Distraction is sometimes the only way to help myself. Another thing I’ve learned is that the depressed mind is kind of like the out of shape body- it must be “exercised” and trained to be strong and forced to fight back against negative self talk. I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know but I’ve found it really is true, though it sounds corny and cliche. I grasped this concept after reading David Burns’ “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” which talks about CBT. I’ve found when I start thinking negatively I start to feel worse emotionally and even physically. I’ve also since learned that just refraining from negative thinking is not enough- I actually have to “get in shape” by thinking positively. You know how when we sit on the couch and eat junk food we start to get overweight and flabby and lose muscle mass etc? So we have to get up and exercise. The same goes for our minds mentally- we have to “work out” by re-training our minds to think, live, breathe, eat, drink positive thoughts. Mental happy exercises are a must for me if I want to feel any better. So what I do is actually make myself think about specific times or events in the past that trigger happy memories for me. I actually try to visualize using imagery and tricking myself into feeling that way again. Then I also try to force myself to imagine how I’m gonna feel those good feelings again WHEN this depression eases up. Like when Spring comes through and I can go outside and let the sunshine bathe me in a euphoric bath. I try to do whatever I can to trigger good sensations and memories. I’ve done a lot of mindful meditation like you mentioned. Music is a good trigger of pleasant memories too. And I make myself think about the hope of possibilities- training oneself to think positively takes time and effort but at least if I’m too depressed to get out of bed I can still lie in bed and work on positive thinking and hope! This is what I’ve found helps me lately so I just wanted to share. I’d welcome anyone else’s suggestions too though! And don’t forget to be kind to yourself- no putting yourself down…;-) As I said before, you have accomplished a lot that you should be proud of. Both of you have done TMS- that’s impressive itself. Feel proud that just y’all communicating here on this site helps. I know it encourages me and I’m SO grateful for that- you have NO idea! What a great feeling to know you’ve helped and inspired someone else who appreciates it, right? It’s support within a group of others who suffer with the same affliction. And that is just what depression is- a terrible affliction. Just like diabetes or M.S. It afflicts people. It’s not a choice and it doesn’t result from weakness or laziness. I hate that stigma of mental illness. We are all fighting it and there is a lot to be said for that! I say these things to remind myself and any others who maybe need to hear it also so they can keep fighting the good fight! 🙂 …and y’all please keep sharing! Thank you!!!

Anyone else feel like maybe our spirits will lift a little once Spring gets here and thaws out our “frozen” souls? Winter is always so brutal for depression!

I am so sorry to hear of your struggle- I know that is frustrating. It is disturbing to think that doctors are supposed to be here to help us get better but, unfortunately, many only make things worse. That has been a contributing factor in my current state of depression. I was diagnosed with chronic pancreatitis 25 years ago. My physicians told me that surgery was my only option and that if I wanted to have “a normal life” I should undergo surgery on my pancreas which I finally did seven years ago. Unfortunately, the surgery did not go well and, long story short, I did not get to have that normal life. Instead I wound up with an addiction to painkillers and benzodiazepines. I have always struggled with my depression but in the last few years it has turned into a hellish nightmare. It is now physically painful and most times unbearable. I rarely leave the house I am so crippled by depression now. I definitely feel suicidal but have decided to look into ECT and TMS since antidepressants have not helped. I found this site and am hoping to gain a clearer perspective about my treatment options. I am wondering what makes someone choose TMS over ECT?