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Hey Courty, I’ve had 6 of the additional treatments so far and am doing really well. I will have one more treatment next week and one the week after that and then I’ll be done. I am off of all meds, which I started (again) when my depression got real bad late last year and before the TMS began. I stopped the meds the second week of TMS. They made me irritable and disrupted my sleep, it is so good to be done with that. I can honestly say none of the meds have ever gotten rid of the depression just, occasionally, made it more manageable. After my “dip” back down when I began to taper, I came home after my 39th treatment, fell asleep in my recliner and when I woke up my mind was quiet. This happened initially when treatment began, but it was so subtle and gentle (as opposed to when you start a new drug) that I wasn’t sure if it were situational, wishful thinking, or what?, but having come up out of the depression and then seriously dipping down again I was able to recognize right away that TMS had done its thing. I was told that people like me who have battled depression their whole lives often need repeat rounds or maintenance sessions, and that people who hit their first depression late in life are often cured. My insurance will pay for a whole other round, but not maintenance so I may have to put that in my budget. I’ve also been told to continue in therapy and practice extreme self-care. I guess I haven’t been cured of depression, it will probably show its ugly face again, but for the first time in my life I know what it feels like to not be depressed. I’m learning the difference between normal sadness and the life sucking negative thoughts that consume you when depression takes hold. I kept a journal when I began treatment and that helped me to see the progress in the beginning. The funny thing is that as the depression lifted I became less interested in writing, less self engrossed, less self-reflective, and more involved in living my life. Good luck in your own journey I hope you respond as well as I have.
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This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by
patjrvj.
I am humbled to report my Dr. is giving me 8 additional treatments. He’s going to ask the insurance to cover it, but regardless he wants me to continue at his cost if necessary. I had my last 3 of the treatment round this week and felt my mind quieting down again after the third one. I also slept the sweetest most peaceful sleep that night. He thinks I need just a few more to reset everything. Also I guess this is part of the process of getting insurance companies to allow doctors to make decisions for their patients, instead of corporate desk jockies. I am feeling very conflicted about accepting this enormous gift, if things stabalize I may have to pay it forward some day for someone else. Right now I just want to get back to not having negative thoughts slice up my heart. If nothing else this treatment has allowed me to truly see what depression is and has given me a glimpse of being without it.
It may not be the chair. I’ve found the treatment itself causes tension in my neck and shoulders, but definitely insist on neck support.
Hey Eric, I just saw your post on this string. The dream thing is interesting. That was one of the things I noticed right away with TMS, rich, full, colorful, motion picture length dreams. I wonder if that’s a common side effect of TMS or maybe it just means we’re sleeping better. Anyway interesting, so glad things are improving for you and your wife.
Hey Eric, The FM diagnosis has been a long term trying to figure out what is going on. I’m not sure the diagnosis is correct either. It seems like my current doctor ruled out a handful of possibilities and then applied this label. The fatigue and pain have stolen my life the last 6 years. I had a major illness that seems to have brought it on, before that I was an endurance athlete. Losing my best antidepressant (excercise) has been difficult. I have just recently heard of Ketamine, on this site only. I’ve tried so many meds, with very limited relief and lots of side effects, it makes me a little leery of trying another. TMS is the first treatment that has given me a glimpse of a not depressed state, so despite slipping backwards I don’t think I’m ready to give up on it, and am trying to mentally prepare myself for another round if needed. I will keep ketamine in mind though if things continue to deteriorate. I’m a little better this afternoon. I took out my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) workbook and am working the activities when I get overwhelmed with a negative thought. It’s taking out one hornet out of thousands at a time, but it does give me a needed sense of control. If your wife hasn’t had some CBT therapy or instruction I would recommend it. It’s certainly not a cure, but rather a tool that can give some relief. I found it most effective with calming anxiety. good luck and god bless
Thanks Eric, I’m not giving up, but I only have 3 more treatments, and the effects aren’t holding. I found out my insurance will pay for a whole other round in 2 months, and I think I may have to consider that. The whole thing is very disheartening. I’ve also just been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and I think the TMS treatments may be triggering that, or at least what I think that is, extreme pain all over my body especially my feet; imagine stepping on sharp tacks every time you take a step. The doctor turned up the volume on my TMS treatments, I think maybe a bit in desperation because up until the taper I was the poster child for TMS. In any case I’ve gotten through 3 treatments at 140% of my threshold, whatever that means, it means it hurts. I am not going to do any more at that level, I’m tough but I think I’m crossing into masochism. I can honestly say TMS gave me a glimpse of what life must be like for people who are not depressed and it is amazing. I even panicked a little after treatment 6 because I woke up and couldn’t feel my heart, the sadness and heaviness I carry was gone. That sounds weird but yesterday I literally felt all that sadness and heaviness returning to my heart. Along with the sadness came waves of shame and humiliation, and I just wanted to quit life and hide. I am not suicidal, I believe in eternity and so there is no escaping this fucking pain. I also am not selfish enough to want to bring pain to those who love and depend on me, but I am sooooo fucking tired of feeling like a mistake. Hang in there with your wife, this is a horrible sickness of the soul, and so beyond our control. I’d be lost without my husband, and even though I’m the one who works outside the home, he’s the one that keeps me and everything around me going. I have so much to be grateful for and I just need to hold on to the fact that I’m dealing with a chronic illness that is going to ebb and flow, and part of the illness is that when it’s bad it hides all the good even if yesterday was wonderful you can’t remember it correctly through the pain of today. Keeping a journal on good days not just bad helps. I hope this is just a dip and things will reset. If not; after a break, I guess I will give it one more round, thanks for the support.
Hi Stingray,
I have only had left side treatments 19 now. I was more depressed than anxious going into this, although I can relate to the anxiety you describe. My experience and understanding is that anxiety and depression are twin sisters. I also respond very quickly to SSRIs but the effects are short lived, and the side effects are unacceptable. I also responded very quickly to TMS, but am worried that the effects may be as short lived as SSRI treatment; too soon to tell. I found Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy (CBT) techniques to be helpful in managing my anxiety. It’s not a cure, but I found it helpful to learn how to identify the thoughts that were causing the anxiety, and then try to logic them away. Just knowing the crazy, skin-crawling feelings weren’t coming out of nowhere helped. It is the same flawed thinking that leads to depression. My understanding from talking to my doctor is that the TMS treatments are supposed to strengthen/activate the part of the brain that gives you more control over those automatic negative thoughts, CBT calls them ANTS, which I find totally appropriate since that’s how anxiety feels-like ants crawling under my skin. I was hospitalized 8 years ago, depressed but primarily my anxiety was off the charts. They pushed a lot of drugs that had side effects that would have disabled me, still very angry about that, but also pleased that I had enough sense not to go down that path. The CBT techniques I learned in the hospital however were/are very helpful, despite the asshole doctor telling me they wouldn’t be without all the drugs. I also found an EMDR (sorry I don’t know what the letters stand for exactly) therapist a few years ago and that has been life changing. EMDR is for treating PTSD and it is VERY effective. I had one of those horrendously traumatic childhoods that so many of us dealing with depression and anxiety came out of. My understanding is that PTSD memories are different than regular memories and when they are triggered the anxiety can be off the charts. What EMDR does is reprocess those memories, run them back through the hippocampus, and change them into regular memories which are different from trauma memories. I’ve read a lot about it, am definitely not an expert on the science of it, but I’ve experienced it and I can attest to its effectiveness. I’m 58 and I can say that up until the EMDR all the childhood shit was like a bunch of exposed electrical wires in my brain jolting me any time I touched one. Treating the PTSD lowered my anxiety beyond belief. My EMDR therapist discouraged my getting TMS treatment a year ago, she wanted me to give the work with her more time. I didn’t want to disappoint her, she’s been amazing, but I still struggle with depression and I don’t think talk therapy will fix a broken brain. Depression is an illness and I’m hoping that TMS will jump start the areas of my brain that need to function better. So, just like advocating for myself with the doctor who wanted to chemically lobotimize me, I had to also tell my therapist that I’m going to give this TMS a try. Advocate for yourself, if the right side treatments aren’t working then try the left. I had significant improvement after just six treatments. I think a lot of the negativity about TMS may be that expectations are too high. I don’t think it’s going to be THE magic pill that cures all, but I do think it’s one more thing that can help in the battle to feel okay. Just don’t give up, keep fighting the fight. I think of it as an adventure; like a video game quest, I’m collecting swords and powers to help me slay the demons, it can be scary but I am getting stronger. You will too. Good luck and God bless.Hi MichaelS101,
I found this forum and decided to hang out here (virtually) while I’m in treatment. You shared some interesting information, I had no idea why they were watching my fingers twitch or what any of the numbers they were sharing meant or mean. What country are you from? Let me know how it’s going for you. Also please continue to share any information you have about TMS; it’s good to know.Today is not so good, but still hopeful that it’s early in treatment. Thank you Colleen for the thought that the changes/improvements will continue even after therapy has ended. I’m hanging onto that thought today.
Hi lajp, I just wanted to reach out and make a connection. I’m on day 10 of treatment and seem to be responding very well. I like the way you stated, ” I cannot pin point it but there is something just different.” There is definitely something different. It seems to be a positive difference. I’d say you’ve come this far try to hang in there. Colleen has responded to me also (thanks Colleen) and it seems she’s had a very positive outcome. I’m believing and putting my faith in the thought that this will be true for me also. I’m also feeling headachy and zapped of all energy, I’m glad to know it may be part of the treatment and not something new to contend with. My thoughts are that after years of depression this treatment isn’t really that bad. Of course the technician where I go is incredibly kind and attentive and I think that matters. I felt a slight chill yesterday during treatment and she immediately asked me if I were cold and if there were anything she could do. She insisted that I watch something on tv during treatment to take my mind off of it. The doctor said nothing violent or emotionally upsetting, so I’ve been watching Cesar Milan train dogs and now that that series has ended I’ve started watching another warm and fuzzy animal show. The show is ready to go the minute I walk in the door, and again the technician is so kind and attentive I look forward to seeing her and think I will miss her when the treatments are over. Maybe doing something different and pleasurable during treatment will help you also. Just a thought, glad I’m not alone in this. Patjrvj
Thank you Colleen, so, so very much for responding to my post. I am in tears this morning (understand my earliest thoughts of killing myself were before the age of 10.) I have fought this beast for so long and now the possibility that this constant battle may be coming to an end—well I can’t stop crying. I am optimistic. Optimism, imagine that! I’ll probably be in despair again before the day is over, but something is changing, something new is definitely happening. I’ve been journaling my experience with this therapy and would like to share my last 3 entries inclusive of this morning. And to those of you contemplating this therapy, don’t wait a year and a half like I did to try it, and please pray that this is real and will continue not just for me but for others who are suffering.
Day 8
I slept again last night, and the world was different today. I think something is happening in my brain when I sleep.
Day 9
Something is definitely happening when I sleep, and I am sleeping! I wake up and my brain just feels different, quieter more peaceful, I feel a warmth in my head. The morning seems to be the best part of my day. I’m starting to come out of this depression and as I do I realize just how bad it’s been, far worse than I was aware. I was very emotional this morning, crying because now that I’m starting to feel better I realize how bad I’ve been for so long. It seems that everyday the morning lift last a little longer, and when I sink it’s not as low. The changes have been so subtle that I haven’t been sure that something was changing until now the change is unmistakable. This is nothing at all like the god-awful drugs I’ve tried in the past. I don’t feel drugged and altered just more at peace. I even initiated sex with my husband last night and thought, “My God it’s been years since I’ve felt alive enough to want sex.” And how nice to be able to enjoy it: not like all the years on the SSRI drugs that didn’t work anyway. Can my broken brain be fixed? Is there a possibility I won’t have to fight everyday of my life to keep my head above the depression? I am beyond grateful for this gift I’m being given.
12 days since treatment began
Although I woke very early, I slept soundly last night. I marveled in bed this morning at the quiet in my mind and the lack of heaviness in my heart. I don’t know how to put it into words; something is gone that has always been there.
The CBT therapy at the BMC (mental hospital) made me aware of the hornets’ nest of negative thoughts I carry in my brain. They taught me to catch the thoughts and neutralize them with logic. A very useful tool for quelling my out of control anxiety attacks. I at least realized that the feelings weren’t coming out of nowhere; I’m thinking thoughts that are bringing them on. Unfortunately, killing the one hornet that’s attacking is somewhat ineffective when you have hundreds of thousands of them buzzing around in your head waiting to attack. The peace I’m experiencing now are the hornets quieting. I want to cry; the attacks, the suffering might end.
Thanks for the support Colleen. I slept all night last night for the first time in I don’t know how long. I think something is happening in my brain, I had a better day than I’ve had in a long time. This is good, fingers crossed, hope it continues.
Queenbee I’m also terrified, only have had 6 treatments so far. I don’t even know what I’m so terrified of. I’m going to stick it out though. I’ve got such high hopes, and if this doesn’t work I’m afraid I’m going to crash big. I’m fortunate my insurance is paying most of the cost, I’d be a lot more freaked if I were paying the major portion. I’m keeping a journal and I’ve asked my husband to pay attention to changes in me, but so far nada. I’m glad to see that there are others near my age (58) giving this a try. I waited a year to do this because I’m old, who cares, I’m just going to die anyway…..God depression is a shitty thing.
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