Profile for User: Irish_Whiskey

I guess I’m a little late to this party. You’ll have to forgive the VA, they’re highly incompetent. I’ve been wrestling with depression most of my life, I’m 44. After 14 years in the military the docs added Complex PTSD and Dysthymia. In 2016 I finally accepted I wasn’t going to get better on my own and went to the VA clinic. I’ve been unemployed and have no private insurance so it was my only option. The past 18 months have been hell. I’ve got a small pharmacy worth of meds from the VA and it’s all garbage. I gained 40lbs in one month, a very attractive string of saliva spills over my lower lip when I begin to speak and I randomly stop what I’m doing to stare vacantly into space for awkward lengths of time. I was hoping an insatiable craving for brains would pull it all together but I’ll have to settle for Bipolar II. My father had it. Now it all makes sense.

I finally started TMS about 5 weeks ago, today was my 23rd session. I am also expecting Ashton Kutcher to come busting in one day and reveal that I have been Punk’d. Is this a cruel prank? Lay back and let a mechanical woodpecker thump my skull for 40 minutes every day? And if that’s not bad enough, the VA doesn’t have a machine so I have to go to a private office which is an hour drive each way. I’m exhausted, irritable, angry and discouraged to the point of utter despair. After each session I feel like a number two pencil after the SATs. The first week I spent an hour driving in circles before I got on the correct route. I guess the one positive is that I only have to pay for gas which is about $100 a week but VA is picking up the TMS tab.

I really had high hopes for this treatment. Instead I feel like Ralphy when he finally gets his Little Orphan Annie decoder ring. I don’t even know where to find Ovaltine. I’ve been patient, obedient and gone out of my way to keep any of it from affecting my family or friends. As a result I haven’t heard from any family or friends in over 4 years. I saw a quote that said, “For those who haven’t been through it, no explanation is possible. For those who have, no explanation is necessary. That’s fine, I hope they never do understand what this is like. Being angry at me though makes as much sense as getting mad at a woman with morning sickness for vomiting.

I’ll finish this treatment and continue my current meds but I’m done. Either it works or it doesn’t but I did everything in my power and will be able to hang myself without regret.