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Sorry haven’t posted. Been extremely rough time. I knew had to have procedure done and massive stress regarding it. So my scores actually got worse last two weeks of treatment. Unfortunately don’t think it worked for me either and spent out of pocket didn’t really have to do. So I’m feeling hopeless. My insomnia has only progressively gotten worse. I can barely make myself do anything which why haven’t posted.
I hope that for both of us too!
Oh today was day 20. Ten more to go
Thank you both Colleen and Keep_Hoping for your kind words. I’m struggling but I’ll keep trying. Watching or doing anything would take concentration and interest I don’t have at this time. Had to force self to do all that Sunday. Wish I could laugh and enjoy anything right now.
Feel defeated over and over. Sleep was worse after all I did.
Keep_Hoping, thanks! I’m glad you’re starting to have moments of feeling better! That’s a good sign but understand the pain when it goes away. I’ll try to remind myself all I did no matter how I sleep. And I know I should be more patient as I have 13 more treatments to go. I’m just past the half way mark. Just hope my efforts start helping things shift for the better as it’s hard enough doing things when feeling like this and not sleeping well. Good luck and I hope you keep improving as the week goes on!
Had horrible Friday into Saturday. Barely any sleep. Woke with panic attack, laid in bed too long, and never left house. Today although difficult has been better. Despite still not sleeping I got up, got out, exercised, walked 5 miles with a friend who is trying to help distract me. Went for super long lunch. But dread when gets later because I go through the same cycle of horrible sleep. And still can barely concentrate on anything that I’d normally do or like. At least I’m still trying!
Thank you Colleen for your kind words and advice. It’s just so weird to not feel any change or better and honestly the lack of sleep getting the better of me! The only reason I thought would be quicker For me is my other two episodes ended abruptly in two days. Kind of my pattern and I’m doing things I did then plus TMS. So I thought/hoped would work faster. It is helpful to know you traveled the same path and that it is a possibility for us even if we don’t feel that at the moment.
Keep_Hoping yes it IS heartbreaking feeling this way. And I too feel like it won’t end and that scares me horribly! My dr was only at my first session. I’ve not seen him since but see him next week. I’ve called about 3 times and was hoping to try taking something even knowing I’m drug resistant as I’m desperate to feel better. Hoped he’d prescribe over phone but didn’t. I don’t know how common that is, but I’m with techs not dr at all my appointments with exception of the first one. I’m glad your scores improving too and so sorry you aren’t feeling the improvements yet! I’ll kept posting and we can try to keep supporting each other! I really hope your friend is right. From my friend tonight…her words to me…stop beating yourself up and blaming yourself. As soon as you do that you can start to heal, made me cry because that’s all I’m doing “if this, if that” if it were only that easy to do and change… I would be better already. I won’t stop fighting but it’s getting very challenging! I just need to sleep!
I know this is good news but still don’t feel it. My scores went from severe to moderate on both depression and anxiety. I cried when they told me, not of joy but because I don’t feel the changes I’m noticing and I’m still not sleeping. I have 13 days left then tapering. I want to believe that somehow it will all connect but hard to when detached from feeling the improvements that I am noticing myself. And feel increasingly anxious the longer I’m not sleeping. Other times it’s gone into remission when I finally slept again. And it’s incredibly difficult to function.
Oh I’m so sorry and please don’t change your screen name! I’ve had many days like that and feel overwhelmed by everything too. I hope you start to have better days and the therapy kicks in. If you did have a day where you felt a lift, it could be working but slowly. Maybe you’ll notice more of that over the next couple weeks. I hope that’s the case. I think when In this state it’s difficult to stop negative thinking as part of it is you feel that way from an under active part if your brain. I know how difficult doing anything and motivation is when feeling this way, but maybe meditation or exercise or deep breathing? Cognitive behavioral therapy? Hypnosis? Getting rid of things causing you stress-toxic relationships? keep fighting, keep hoping! The answer just may not have crossed your path yet, or is just going slower than hoped. And I don’t say any of this lightly. I feel the same pain and exhaustion. I’ve cried more days than not and haven’t felt relief yet. But have to keep fighting. You are an inspiration seeing this through and continuing to fight!
Colleen, I am sorry you are dealing with something difficult! Wish you the strength to get through it! And thank you for pointing that out. I can relate to a lot of what you are going through Keep_Hoping although much of my experience is opposite (insomnia, no pain with treatment etc). It’s because we both feel the same way regardless. I’m exhausted from insomnia and feel that same exhaustion. It takes everything in me to get tasks completed. And I’ve had a particularly difficult time since my (I think) dip Monday. The strangest thing is I do notice changes but don’t at all feel them, which is crushing. Makes me feel like I won’t feel better or sleep. I guess I just have to keep moving forward and hope something begins to shift. And hope for both of us that we get sleep relief! Ask your family if/what they notice that’s improved.
Well, today was the start of my 4th week. Im hoping that I experience a lift like many others have reported during this week. But yes everyone’s experience is so very different and unique from what I’ve read in both their treatment (3000 to 5000 pulses-my dr won’t do more than the FDA testing for left side) and their responses to therapy…ups and downs, slow and steady, sudden after weeks, nothing until it ends…the unknown is extremely difficult to stomach when all you want is to be better. So all we can do is keep hoping each new day brings some improvement.
Im glad you are sticking with this too! I’m so sorry that your lift didn’t last! I get how devistating that is! I’m sure it is a good sign that you felt that way, but yes hard to deal with it going backward when all you want is to feel relief, which is where I am at the moment. Sounds like we had similar Sunday into Monday. Yes, we have to be strong, stick it out, and hope that the answer and relief will be around the corner. Just hold onto the thought that if that happened, it can happen again. I’ve noticed shifts for the better but as I said don’t feel them which seems odd to me, but they said they’ve had patients have same experience. It’s like I’m witnessing changes from the outside. I noticed was able to do more with less dread, smile/laugh, listen to music again. But don’t feel the emotions or joy of it. So I still feel awful and sleep awful. The first week of treatment I had one night of better sleep then has been worse since. Interesting you said depression felt worse after starting as my anxiety felt immediately worse after first session. I thankfully haven’t had pain from sessions from the start so I really give you lots of credit for continuing for yourself! I truly hope it’s working for you and you start to have those better days!
Thanks! Been incredibly difficult. Is it possible to have multiple dips? I feel as I have. Yesterday was awful. Today is half way mark for me.
Thank you for your response and I’m so sorry for your struggles! I know how very difficult this is going through this. Hope you don’t mind, but I’ll say a prayer for you that things improve, for you and everyone suffering. I’ve been reading posts a lot before deciding to join, so I’ve seen that but thank you for the reminder. Yes, when I started I felt my anxiety ramped up horribly as some depression symptoms began to very minimally improve, and my already bad insomnia got worse with exception of the second day of treatment which was odd and I felt crushed when it went backward and didn’t continue in a good direction. Because of this, they began bilateral treatment for me fairly early which I’m hoping helps. I have recurrent depression but I’m sure I’ve had anxiey all my life. I’m very curious to hear from you and others regarding how you are after treatments and tapering. I’ve seen some previous posts where people were part way through but never posted their outcome….and would love to hear more success and positive stories. I feel like a failure disappointment, Ike there’s no end…but I have to keep reminding myself that’s this disease depression talking and not who I truly am. Just need to find my way back to that person and at a loss how to at the moment. One of my friends texted me tonight, she said you are NOT a failure. Feeling this way is not your choice, you didn’t elect it nor do you deserve it. Nice to hear even if it doesn’t feel that way at the moment.
